Hello all - I have been married for 23 years and was married right out of college. I have had a history of alcohol abuse and am in therapy and seeking help.


Last night my spouse came down and found a can of hard seltzer. She sees it as a betrayal and I had cheated on her. Well I freely admit I am in the wrong and have apologized and talked to my therapist today. My therapist told me that yes - you indeed continue to have a problem and you are trying to get better. We then discussed what could have drove me to have a drink (work, stress, my mom dying,etc). We then discussed how my spouse's reaction felt and I said I felt like my spouse was shaming me and not trying to understand what could be wrong.


Well I tried to talk to my spouse today about it and she brought up all the times in the 23 years I have betrayed her (drinking) and that she always stood by my side. She then went on to say she has given up everything for me and I have cheated on her by sneaking a drink which she considers lying.


I have never stood up for how I was feeling and have always deferred to her feelings but today I said I felt like she was shamming me and I was worried about her 3-4 glasses of wine she drinks in front of me.


She started losing it and told me that she has had counseling training and my therapist has no clue what she is talking about.


I then said I think we should wait for couples therapy and my spouse said that if I dont have the b*lls to talk now, then I should just call a lawyer. I pleaded with my spouse to wait until therapy so we could have an impartial person and my spouse told me to F* off and walked away.

While I am not saint, I do live my life trying to make her happy and our kids happy. I have never screamed, etc and was always very quiet when I had a drink.


Her history is her Dad is an alcoholic and her brother died from an overdose so I understand.

I feel like I am in a crossroads here....my spouse does not show affection because that is "not how she grew up"; she is not interested in my interests but then talks my ear off about hers. I want to stay because I love her but I feel like I am the scapegoat of her misgiving and uncertainties. She is also a pastor and while I feel like she shows grace to everyone else, I never see that.

I am unsure what to do....and afraid of the unknown.