I'm glad to have found this space. What brought me here is my desire to end my marriage and need for support and feedback. I have depression and anxiety, which adds to my turmoil.

I've been with my husband for 26 years - half my life. When we got into a relationship, we were both immature, and being with him suited me because I was bored, lonely, and terrified of emotional intimacy. He was so not husband material that the relationship felt emotionally "safe." (Yeah...joke's on me!) I broke up with him a couple of times in the first few years, but it didn't stick. We moved in together and after 5 years, found out I was pregnant.

Our daughter was 2 months old when my husband was first abusive. Over the relationship he has been "mildly" physically abusive 3-4 times - the majority has been verbal abuse. We got married in our living room by a justice of the peace when my daughter was 2 solely because it was the only way my husband could stay on my health insurance (he was self-employed at the time). We bought a house, had another child. Lots of fighting.

Finally, 13 years ago, I told him that I'd never been in love with him. Still, we stayed married. I've wanted to divorce but I always had some excuse - it's bad for the kids, we don't have any money, I don't want to be alone, it's expensive, etc. He's from the UK and tries to manipulate me by saying if we got divorced, he'd go back there and wouldn't be able to pay for anything for the kids. The relationship was already dead to me when he then got laid off and didn't work for 7 years!! It was during that period that I first consulted a lawyer, who slapped me with the reality that if we divorced, I would have to pay my husband alimony! Hell no.

In the fall of 2019. I met with several different lawyers about divorce. The cost is scary because we've never had much money. I started getting my "ducks in a row" and thinking of when to tell him and the kids that I want a divorce. I decided to do so when my daughter came home for spring break - March 2020. My husband brought her home from college; that same day, our state went into "lockdown" and the lovely pandemic that we're in began.

I tried to, once again, stick it out because of the economic uncertainty and emotional upheaval already present with pandemic living. But I want out of my marriage. I'm done. I know things are going to be hard and suck when I put this divorce into motion, but the thought of spending more years with my husband makes me want to get in the car and drive away as fast as I can. I don't like him being physically affectionate and the thought of it soon being just the two of us distresses me. (Our kids are 21 and 17; both have been home the past year doing remote learning.) I don't know when to say it to him - I'm afraid of how he could make my life hell.

Feedback? Advice? Thanks