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trig

It has just dawned on my why I get so edgy in crowds or noisy rooms. When i have trouble hearing others in the conversation and when I have to talk louder than normal, the whole thing (subconsciously) reminds me of times in combat when the gunfire drowned out what ppl were saying, what they were yelling to me and each other.

And then when I tried to give orders by radio or just to other ppl nearby, trying to keep soldiers safe and trying to move toward the enemy, the gunfire drowned out what needed to be heard.

The background noise of crowds during conversations triggers a subconscious memory of those many times when communication was critical.

When the enemy was attacking one night and had already gotten inside our perimeter wire my soldiers were yelling to each other as we tried to find out who was who in the dark. I was yelling into the radio to get artillery fired on our position. Our machine gunners and others were yelling to me for guidance. And the enemy was yelling as they attacked from outside the wire. There was so much noise from guns and machine guns and grenades that we couldn't hear each other.

We lit up the night with flares to see the enemy, but that also gave them a better view of where we were in the bunkers. For most our unit the battle became a one on one fight to survive. All of the weapons were being fired as rapidly as possible on what was known as the final defensive fire plan where every inch of the perimeter was covered with gunfire. and the enemy was still coming through.

There were many such times as this where the sound of battle drowned out our efforts to communicate, and i think the background noises today trigger my subconscious, making me nervous, edgy, curt, and basically wanting to get out of the situation. How could I save my men if I couldn't communicate?

Loud restaurants. Parties. Ball games. Street noise in cities.

Self talk and redirecting my thoughts helps a lot. I'm not out of control in those situations, but it does effect my personality and ability to associate with others in those situations. What people usually see in me is turning to silence, moving off by myself, and a bad mood if I do try to continue the conversation.

In the months after my return from combat and recovery in hospital, I sometimes went with a few recovering soldiers to nightclubs (lol, some would call those places bars). And my reactions were much stronger. I became very aggressive and wound up in "almost" fights before friends calmed me down -- lol, here I was all bandaged and crippled and offering to take on these red necks over insignificant things -- non sense -- but looking back on it, the sounds were probably a big contributor to my reactions.

One particularly memorable encounter was when the folk singer took a request for "Unchained Melody." The crowd was quiet, waiting to see whether the guitar player/singer would accept that request. In the silence, and in my stupidity, I said very loudly, "what kind of idiot wants to hear that song."

Before the song began, a tap on my shoulder and a guy standing there saying, "i'm the idiot. what of it." I jumped up and drew back to slug him. A friend with me caught my arm. Someone else caught that idiot and pointed out to him that I had crutches laying on the floor. And then he saw my bandages and backed away.

Folksinger played "Unchained Melody" and when it was over the idiot came back to apologize. Apology accepted. I discovered that I liked that song. And apologized to him for my remarks. He bought beer for us soldiers the rest of the evening. And when i hear the song today, it triggers a mixed reaction of nostalgia, fear, pain from the wounds, and appreciation for the good sense of the people around me.

I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who knows about this kind of trigger and whether others with PTSD have similar reactions.

As always, I'm apprehensive about posting this. Makes no sense to be afraid of the posting, but I am. I am sorry if this triggers anyone. i am sorry.

Troy