First of all @Lostandneedhelp you have done the first important step where you have admitted you DO have a problem. You have expressed a desire to learn how to change and face the problem. That's a huge step in the right direction as many tend to choose different denials, even saying the problem will go away once this or that happens.

I will say to you that it's important to see this being caught and the anger IS a reminder of the negative that happens from engaging alcohol use. What most do when they feel like having that drink is they call their sponsor who talks them past that urge. Or, they go to an AA meeting instead. Due to Covid, it's been hard because in some states these meetings have not been allowed due to social distancing rules. Yet, I have watched how AA members like my husband have worked around that challenge and had Zoom meetings and some have actually set up a place outside where they have bonfires and can have meetings outside. My husband has been sober for almost 30 years now and he still is very active in AA and helping others and has friends, lots of friends now who also had to learn how to live their lives sober.

I understand your wifes anger as I have anger myself, however, it's important the sobriety itself be given time to take hold. The truth is, what your wife hates the most is the disease/mental illness of alcoholism itself. Truth is, it ruins relationships and people's lives. People who have this challenge notoriously make bad choices. Yesterday my husband basically chauffeured a friend from the program around because that friend's drinking cost him is drivers license. This man had to lose his own freedom due to his drinking, but he IS living sober and has to live with the consequences of his bad choices. He was a workaholic and alcoholic and it caught up with him. Truth is, it does catch up and cost the person who engages.

It certainly is hard with Covid and I am sure it's hard for you to deal with the fact that your mother is dying too. Thing is, the alcohol doesn't change any of that and alcohol abuse disorder NEVER fixes anything. It never truely helps anyone escape from reality. Yes, your wife has resentments, you can't fix that, it's up to her to get help with that. All you can do is fix yourself and learn to live one day at a time and stay sober. No one JUST gets it over night. Also, it's important that you understand this is something you are learning to do for yourself, it can't be for your wife or anyone else.