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Old 02-20-2021, 02:51 AM  
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jkray has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2021
Location: Europe
Posts: 20
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Default Feeling childish and left out

Sometimes I still feel exactly like the most unpopular kid who’s always the last one picked for the team. I mean this has literally happened to me in the past and now as a full-grown adult basically the same thing happened in an online meeting the other day. Why would someone even structure a supposed “team-building” activity this way in the first place? Then, when I’m finally given a chance to speak, why do I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I rush and say only a fraction of what I really want to?

It sucks that I still feel so little confidence in myself that something so minor still makes me just want to shrink away and hide. I feel like there’s still so much work I need to do when it comes to my self esteem that I don’t even know where to begin (or whether I’m a lost cause since I can’t shake these feelings and still feel like such a child).

It’s always been hard for me making and keeping friends. I’ve been at this job for a long time and I’ve always been nice to people and accomplished a lot professionally, but it’s like everyone is at best unaware of my existence and at worst weirdly repelled by me. I know intellectually that someone has to be chosen last and none of this likely was done purposefully, but why do I still feel so left out all of the time?

Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade

- K. Flay from Make Me Fade

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