Sometimes I still feel exactly like the most unpopular kid who’s always the last one picked for the team. I mean this has literally happened to me in the past and now as a full-grown adult basically the same thing happened in an online meeting the other day. Why would someone even structure a supposed “team-building” activity this way in the first place? Then, when I’m finally given a chance to speak, why do I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I rush and say only a fraction of what I really want to?
It sucks that I still feel so little confidence in myself that something so minor still makes me just want to shrink away and hide. I feel like there’s still so much work I need to do when it comes to my self esteem that I don’t even know where to begin (or whether I’m a lost cause since I can’t shake these feelings and still feel like such a child).
It’s always been hard for me making and keeping friends. I’ve been at this job for a long time and I’ve always been nice to people and accomplished a lot professionally, but it’s like everyone is at best unaware of my existence and at worst weirdly repelled by me. I know intellectually that someone has to be chosen last and none of this likely was done purposefully, but why do I still feel so left out all of the time?