“Unless someone like you, cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.” ― Dr. Seuss, The Lorax

I have had PMS and then PMD all my life, got worse after kids. Have very bad Endometriosis with 6 surgeries. Suffered Depression but refused to acknowledge it until after breakdown. Started Fluoxetine to manage period cycle for endo which sort of helped depression as well but constant pain negated this.

Took Duromine to lose weight and that cleared my head so I could think properly but also became manic. Beginning of the end of my marriage of 32 years. Grew up with disabled mum (lovely parents) and a brother with Asperger's which we discovered runs in the family, so I have similar traits.

Diagnosed with ADHD aged 45. Ritalin replaced Duromine and so much more focused, but needed different anti-d - escitalopram. Didn't stop rumination so been taking zopiclone for nearly 20 years. Only way to get a restful sleep.

Started getting panic attacks 2015, when marriage dissolved - so afraid of a future alone after marrying at age 20 and kids gone, then mum died after very sick for 18months and dad and I caring for her daily. Also working full time. Then dad had a stroke plus my brothers care service broke down and put him in a high risk situation. Life was dark for a long period of time.

Saw long term GP who knew my journey and he prescribed Lamotrigine as a mood stabiliser. The most amazing difference to my panic attacks that would hit out of nowhere, especially after excessive and paralysing rumination and over-whelming stress I had to manage alone. Started at 25mg.

As my anxiety topped again, I saw my brothers neuropsychiatrist who had diagnosed the ADHD. He explained what was happening in my brain - neurons, etc and increased the Lamo to 50mg as I required if I felt a panic attack coming on. I could take one and it would work within 15 mins. So magical.

Through the separation and divorce, it increased to 2x 100gm in the morning and then one when needed. At times I took up to 6 a day but not daily. Still a miracle drug for me. NZ stopped funding Lamo and I went onto Lamictal and this threw me 100% backwards. Neuro applied for special compensation so now I'm back on it. Saved my life.

Was able to get back to 2-3 a day for almost 2 years until life broke down again this year with covid and change of situations in my life. Lost most of my hours at work so income halved, huge mortgage and living expenses I'm not sure I will be able to manage, the support care for my brother fell over big time so going through Health and Disability Complaints Commission which is a long slow process.

The high levels of anxiety of my brother and 83 yr old father and many the many meetings to go to out of town, are interfering with my work and all this has trebled my anxiety and daily if not twice daily the panic attacks have returned and now high blood pressure. So I am back to taking up to 6 a day, just to function each day and to achieve some sort of positivity rather than debilitating negativity and dark thoughts.

Now I am experiencing agoraphobia... this is debilitating at work, as I am a teacher. I try my best to avoid assemblies and sports day. Sometimes have to take a Lamo before taking a class. Don't want to go out places where groups of people and and noise. I know once some of these stresses are solved then I will be fine on 2 a day but for now it is survival mode and waiting for Neuro to tell me the max I can take every day.

Sorry for the novel.. In conclusion.. Lamotrigine is a miracle drug for me. I wouldn't be around if it wasn't.