I would like to delicately and also honestly approach this topic -- to me, the signs of abuse are present in him given what you have described of him so far. It also sounds now like it's a mutually abusive relationship and that you in part, or deep down, accept his abuse towards you.... you say it's not abuse because of your own training on the topic. I circle back to the notion of cruelty and healthy love not being able to co-exist. So perhaps it's not abuse in your mind because you also abuse him.