I rode in the backseat of mom’s van and my sister rode up front when we switched to it. Because me and my sister used to fight about who got to ride up front, my mom would let one of us choose where to sit on even days and the other on odd days. The day that mom was driving the truck was my sisters day to choose where to sit and she wanted to sit by the window and I was stuck in the middle. By that time, I would normally always let my sister ride up front and would ride in the back because I preferred to sit away from mom and avoid awkward conversations. I remember it really bothered me having to ride between my mom and younger/shorter sister and that I was trying to argue that she should make my sister ride in the middle since I was usually letting her ride up front when mom finally had enough and escorted me out to the truck. As an adult, I know mom was being fair letting my sister choose where to sit on her day to choose and that if I had accepted this rather than acting like a child and arguing about it she probably wouldn’t have treated me like a child and walked me out to the truck.

Good to know that I am not the only person who has a minor/trivial event stuck in my mind. I had been afraid that this was not something others experience and had been trying to suppress it and not bring it up around others. I appreciate the encouraging words @BethRags and @MickeyCheeky.

It is amazing how clear this memory is as there are other much more consequential events in my life that I cannot remember with such clarity. I can clearly remember what both my mom and sister were wearing that day and their hair styles. I remember the reason that me and my sister waited so long in the truck is because my aunt called mom after we were in the truck and they talked for a while. I remember while me and my sister waited in the truck I was focusing on the empty driver seat/steering wheel/gauges and wished I was sitting there are driving; I remember I could see our reflection in the windshield and was embarrassed at how much taller I was than my sister yet was stuck in the middle; I remember my sister’s tan sandals were the same color as the vinyl bench seat/floor mats/padding on the dash; our dogs running free in the backyard; my sister repeatedly putting her head on my shoulder even after I asked her not to; looking towards our back door and wondering why there was no sign of mom & looking towards our neighbors house and hoping no-one would see me in the middle seat of the truck. While mom was trying to start the truck I remember her hand turning the key and her foot pumping the gas pedal and the buzzing sound and red lights on the dash each time the truck failed to start. I also remember I could smell both my mom and sisters breath whenever they talked and that really bothered me as well. I have to wonder if this memory would not be so strong if either the truck had started-up or mom had gotten in right after us rather than making us wait while she talked to my aunt/her sister.

When I have the flashbacks with this memory I think it is causing anxiety because I am re-living it as a 15 year old dealing with the negative feelings I had then. These include being really embarrassed about having to ride in the middle; being mad at my sister for choosing the window seat and for repeatedly putting her head on my shoulder or trying to give me a hug while we waited; being mad at mom for letting my sister choose where to sit, treating me like a baby and walking me to the truck when I acted like a baby about sitting in the middle, thinking it was no big deal for us to wait in the truck while she talked with my aunt rather that either calling her back later or letting us know it would be a while and we could get out if we wanted, and making me get in the truck when she wasn’t sure it would start; and feeling like I had no control because I was buckled to the middle seat and had to just sit and wait for my sister and then mom to get in and then while mom was trying to start it. As an adult, I understand that mom let my sister sit by the window since it was her day to choose and that was the fair thing to do; that mom made me go and wait in the truck because I was nagging her about having to ride in the middle and she was tied of hearing it; that she probably lost track of time talking to my aunt and forgot we were waiting for her in the truck; and that she had no way of knowing the truck was not going to start. I know that the reason my sister was invading my space was because she knew it was getting on my nerves by the way I was reacting and that she chose to sit by the window since it was her day to choose and that was the desirable place to sit.

I seem to struggle with this memory the most when I am dealing with high levels of stress and anxiety in my life. This could be something like stress at work; relationship trouble; or family drama. Normally, once I am able to address the situation causing the stress; this memory moves to the back burner and is not as dominant on my mind. I know the stress and anxiety I am dealing with now is related to Coronavirus and the disruption it has caused to our every day life and the uncertainty as to when things will get back to normal and if there will be more disruptions before then. I will likely be starting some new threads in the future to address some of these if I do not find that others have already posted about them.

My apologies again that this post is so long, but I am trying to share my memories and feelings from this event in hopes that finally sharing them may help to deal with it since I do not see any end to the Coronavirus stress anytime soon. I may add some more in the future if I continue to struggle with this memory.