I play Scrabble, which is different from saying i LIKE playing Scrabble. It's just something i do to pass the time and keep my mind active and keep a toe-hold in the greater world thru Scrabble club. I also journal all thru the day, more for company than anything else. I used to read before i got really sick at 29. Now i can't read for pleasure anymore. I really miss it. I've tried mightily to develop other hobbies as i'm on disability benefits and have loads of time. I've tried creative writing, dating, picture-editing, yoga, belly-dancing, poetry, guitar, recorder, piano, fitness hula-hooping, vegetarian cooking, walking, dog training, sewing, stamp collecting, Bridge, Chess, coloring, drawing, puppet-making, adult ballet, aerobics, water-aerobics, veganism, trivia contests, French, German, comedy, attending pro football games, acting, knitting, crochet, rug-hooking, quilting, finger-painting, Church, collage, line-dancing, biking, meditation, etc.

I just don't seem to like anything, or be good at anything. I've pretty much accepted that i'll have to make do with my mediocre Scrabble game which i've played for twenty years, journaling, listening to music, my dog and TV. At times i like Scrabble, like during the Fall of 2018 when i went to a tournament in Toronto and did really well (tho i did not win). Scrabble's got me out socializing with people and has enriched my life a lot. It's just i'm a sore loser and i don't seem to be able to overcome it so the actual act of playing is often unpleasant.

I think i have alexithymia from my anti-psychotics. This is a tendency to be concrete in thought and expression and lack imagination and an inability to detect your own emotions. It's a steep price to pay for staying in touch with reality but i guess it's better to be safe and calm then wild and creative and in some jail in Thailand.