I sleep, but it's heavy and instant. I close my eyes, poof. I wake up. As I begin to question reality itself more and more (as my perspective itself seems to shift), I often find my thoughts wandering to more existential lines, such as wondering if I'm already dead and this is just hell on a loop. lmao I'm sure I have "rem" dreams, but those (when I remember them) are trash. Nothing of note and just random crap that makes no sense, is quickly forgotten, and leaves a hollow behind in time, like, here was a where a dream was supposed to occur, but nope.

Lol Patterns. I visualize things in my head most days as nothing but fractal patterns, and I just have to find the connections, if that makes sense. I see things in terms of probability. And I've searched for forty years for meaning and something to anchor to, and nothing satisfies. Some days, I think I am stuck psychologically at a much younger age than my physicality presents. I'm still in my early thirties or late twenties, and think and act as such, and the estrangement from my own peer group as they subtly sense something "off" about me continues to grow wider and wider with each passing year. I barely recognize my own face in the mirror. Whoever this older person is, I am not he.

And dreaming is just the icing on the cake, really. A reason for me to wonder if I've finally broken something for good. Diet is terrible, and I am sure that plays a part in it.

I feel more the emptiness of space where dreams once lay dormant in my psyche, if that makes sense. Not just that the dreams are gone, the ability to dream is gone as well.