Yeah, it definitely was a dud, to say the least. The doctors were incredibly arrogant and the Pdoc didn't even talk to me, not even once, she got all her information second hand. And yet she decides about my treatment and she acts like she's got me all figured out. It's bizarre. I wasted months there. That ended in December and I'm still so angry and having flashbacks to it all the time.

At the new hospital I've been waiting since January, and basically nothing has happened yet, I haven't even spoken to them once, I'm just on a waiting list and I have zero idea for how much longer I'll have to wait. And I feel absolutely certain that when they finally do talk to me it's just going to be a repeat of what happened last time. I'm half inclined to take myself off the waiting list now so I can at least spare myself from having to go through that again. I don't even dare ask any questions about what's happening or how much longer I'll have to wait because I'm afraid they'll take my impatience as an excuse to label me with something and get rid of me (like the last place did).

I'm okay with maintenance meds, I know I'll need those. It's just that meds aren't enough to get me out of this episode, I really think ECT is my best bet for that. I just don't want to waste many more months trying meds I don't want and that haven't worked so far when I've already made up my mind about ECT. I've already lost way too much time on this episode and I really really need to get better so I can work again and try to prevent my career and the rest of my life from going to ****.

The thing is, me and my treatment team, who I've known for a while and who have seen this episode develop from the start, we've tried various meds, and even the most effective ones only get me from severe to moderate depression, and only about half of the days. So maybe I don't want to kill myself anymore, but I still can't function worth a damn. And as soon as I try to taper any of those meds, wham, I'm right back where I started within days. So together we decided that ECT was the best course of action, and we even know which maintenance meds we plan to use after that. It just pisses me off that after all that, the final decision on whether or not I get treated lies with a bunch of doctors who don't know me and won't even speak to me more than once, if at all. There's just no way I can accurately convey my entire situation to them in one 40 minute talk. The decision should belong to me and my own treatment team, not to them.