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Originally Posted by feralkittymom
Oh boy, this is so crazy-making and painful, yet somehow so predictable (which makes me wonder why it isn't given its own prominence in T school).
Yeah, she's retiring, so now it's "shift into getting to where she thinks she should be at the end" mode. Except you're rightly who and where you are and not on her interior "who am I as a professional" timetable. This is so about her. That moment where you noted her choosing to not respond in an open-ended sort of way as was common between you is very telling. If she can hold onto that "lesson," it should be ok.
Another side of this I only fully appreciated for myself long after therapy ended: that when T failed me in some way--not seen or validated or mis-stepped and such--yes, it was a "breaking" on his part; but it also didn't ultimately matter because the pain didn't originate with him. It was in me. And there would be times in life when it would show itself again, and while not pleasant, it was OK. That there could be space for that pain to exist, and I didn't have to react or do anything about it at all. It will come and go--rarely, now--and I can decide what meaning it has or hasn't for me. And there's a lot of freedom in that. I hope you reach that place soon.
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This is a helpful way to think about it. Sometimes I’m there and sometimes I’m not!
One really positive thing that has happened for me here is that I’ve let go of a lot of the shame and anxiety I had around therapy. I was always so anxious and uneasy about my attachment to her and now, I’m like, “well, there you have it, now it’s out there” and it’s been very freeing. I’ve gotten to a place where I respect and am grateful for the work we’ve done together.
Lately, I’ve been telling her that I don’t really like how she’s doing things. She’s pointing out that all this focus on how she does things really takes the attention away from my issues. And I’m like, “yeah but how you do things really impacts my experience and the way I talk about certain issues.”
We’ve gone in this circle a lot, last week with more levity and a kind of airiness than before and also an acknowledgement that we’re each doing our best. I realized that I am pretty confident in my conviction that she’s making a mistake and could handle this better, and that I can feel that way regardless of her opinion.
There is a kind of humanness in her reactivity, in her getting hooked into arguing with me. It is not exactly the kind of humanness I was hoping for. I was hoping she’d meet me voluntarily and let me know why she thought she was being so different in session. But since she won’t do that, I’ll work with what I’ve got which is: she’s imperfect but trying her best.
Her best has been pretty good for a long time and has helped me a lot. I wish things were different now. But this is what we have and I’m going to try to bring this somewhat mollified and more self-sufficient version of myself to the time we have left.