It has taken me some years to realize this is a real issue for me, that I don't really know how to deal with. This will get long, but I hope some people still read it. Thanks in advance.

Okay, so when I was young I had aggression problems. If I got angry enough it was like I "blacked out" and didn't really have much control over what I did and said. I never really hit people, so it wasn't like people were afraid of me, but I could do things like ruin my own posessions, throw stuff, and go into fits of rage. As I got older many found this amusing, which just made me even angrier, in late middle school people even did things to provoke me on purpose so I would get angry. This was all very shameful and hurtful, too, and I was very embarrassed about reacting like this.

Slowly, as I got older, I got this under control. I can still get very angry but nothing at all like when I was a child, and I manage to keep a level head. It happens still that I say things I know I will regret just to hurt whoever I'm angry at, which I'm not proud of. But I guess everyone does that, at times. Now my anger mostly manifests in that I am lowkey annoyed at small things a lot of the time, lol.

Anyway. Now I am an adult, and I recognize some of the same reaction patterns in me, although not when it comes to anger. I am not really able to emotionally control myself. I very easily get sucked into for example discussions, and I just HAVE to reply. If not, I can lie awake for hours thinking about it and being angry at not expressing how I felt. If I get sucked into a debate on for example Facebook or Twitter I get almost manic. I keep checking to see if anyone's replied, and I can spend a LONG time writing my answers. It has happened that whole work days have really been sucked away by me being unable to tear myself away from some argument or discussion online. And I get so worked up, I feel almost an adrenaline rush, but not in the good way. But in the way that makes me not able to focus on anything else, with my heart rushing and my mind at alert. At the same time, this is VERY mentally exhausting for me. My mood is affected so much by what others write, and I also get so stressed by the entire situation. And I can end up getting depressed by it all if it drags on.

To make matters worse, I work as a journalist, so I should avoid online debates in general. The weeks where I am almost "offline" are much more peaceful and harmonic for me, but to stay connected and pick up stuff online that could be relevant for work I need to be on various social media. People tell me I have no impulse control and just need to think, but it's not that easy. It is almost like a primal drive. I am a very confrontational person, and even though I have always had lots of friends and generally go along with people there are also people who absolutely despise me. It is like something about me provokes people - the way I address others in these kind of debates, the way I present my arguments. Being confrontantional can be good, but sometimes friends let me do their confrontations for them - for example if another friend has treated them badly, and they don't really dare saying anything because they don't want to ruin the mood. I have no problems speaking my mind and ruining the mood.

Now I feel like I am derailing. Either way, this is all becoming such a problem for me. Both because it drains my energy, because I have gotten in trouble at work several times for arguing with people on social media, and because my emotions are so affected. I can also feel sad for days if I feel attacked or misunderstood. I have been the center of Twitter storms a couple of times (again, it is like something about me provokes people, so people get irrationally angry at me for things) and it is awful.

I don't want to live like this, letting these arguments control my life the way they do now. And the impulse to engage in them. It is like back in middle school when I knew someone did things to provoke me but I still got angry. I know I shouldn't fall for the "bait" but I do.

So I guess what I need help with is to control my emotions, to not let them run away with me, and to learn to avoid arguments instead of plowing head-first into them. The only things that help this far is to vent somewhere else - for example, screenshotting stupid things and laughing at them with my friends instead of commenting on them. But I don't really have an outlet and can't expect people to be one. Sometimes I write down all my arguments but don't post them anywhere. It is just this extreme need to express it, in a way. Almost manic.

Sometimes too if I get drunk it is even worse, like I lose all inhibitions and the voice telling me "you probably shouldn't go into an argument with that editor of a competing news outlet or that random neighbour posting stuff" is drowned out entirely.

I sound crazy, I know. And that is the problem. This is becoming a problem for me professionally, it is not doing me any favours socially, and it is exhausting mentally. I hope someone understood what I am trying to express and how I can get some control over it. I am not really a meditation type of person so I don't think that helps. Sometimes I manage to lose everything else when I read and that can be very calming, but if I am in a period where I have many conflicts going at once - like the past few days - I can't concentrate on it.

I have also been somewhat depressed the past few months because of the social isolation and that has made things worse. I feel something in me drives me to seek out conflict because at least then I'll FEEL something.

Any advice?