I think you will need to talk to your T about how to stop obsessing about this. I know about obsessing!! I have been "punishing" myself for past sins/behaviors I did while manic or irrational or extremely emotional & hurt.

Your thinking needs to be retrained as you are focused on the past. Look at your present. You have a lovely husband who is committed to you & loves you. Accept his love. Bask in it & let yourself relax. You deserve to be loved, but I think you don't think so. That's where the therapist can help sort things out.

You aren't living in the "present" at all. I'm speaking from experience & just learning all this myself. I'm either thinking about all the negative stuff from the past or worrying about what negative things will happen in the future (of which I am sure I will no doubt be the cause of).

At this moment--right now--how is life? Does your husband glance at you with love? Are you planning a nice dinner or going out? Is it sunny & bright or rainy & just inviting you in for a good read (like it is here)? Is any trauma happening RIGHT NOW?

Are your creating chaos & turmoil because that is what you grew up with & in a weird way it feels familiar to be in an high-alert state always? I was (still working on this, definitely) myself miserable with all the negative thinking/projecting--never relaxing in the moment or believing that it could be true that my husband did love me (been married 34 years--do you think it will last?) or could forgive me & love me despite my overdoses, over reacting to things, self-pity & blaming him, etc.

You know what, despite all my flaws & problems, I am a fighter (hmm, me & Hillary?) & I WILL overcome my dysfunctional coping techniques through medication, therapy & a lot of hard work on my part. I will & you can, too.--Suzy Forgive yourself. Move on to accepting your husband's love.