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Old 02-24-2021, 11:28 PM  
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Ian1963 has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2021
Location: Pretoria, South Africa
Posts: 3
Trig I need some advice

Possible trigger:

Over this Dec/Jan period I had a lot of time to reflect on my life and what I would like to do with my life going forward.

I also realised that the incident had a major affect on my life and that for 38 years I lived a life in a way I probably should not have or would if it was not for what happened.

I realised I went into a relationship with my husband (he is 21 years older than me) because it was safe, because he was not sexually demanding and he accepted me as I am without questioning anything.

I was never in love with my husband. He was like a very good friend and love came over time. It was never romantic love, but more platonic. In all truth, I donít know if my husband have romantic love for me. I never experienced it from him. For instance we never kissed other than a quick peck on the lios saying hello and goodbye.

I tried to figure out if it was because he sensed I did not want that in the beginning or if he, like me, found the the relationship safe and did mot view it as a romantic coupling.

For the first 15 years we had the normal type of relationship with minor problems, but then I realised that sexually I was becoming more active, but his activities started to decline.

For the past 15 years I managed to suppress my libido as much as possible to adapt to my husbandís libido level and to accept that it may be the price I had to pay for the age difference. I hoped that my sex drive would also decline as I got older, but to my surprise it increased, not decreased.

The decreasing amount of sex between my husband and myself was starting to really affect mr and even though I masturbated almost daily, I wanted more intimacy, more body contact. I obviously started to iritate my husband because he pulled away morefrom me and even started to slap my hands away should I touch him during the night.

By the end of last year I was at a point where I really wanted out of the relationship. I wanted more out of life than what I had for the last 15 years. I knew I had to make time to take stock and come to a decision of how I want to proceed going forward. If my husband and I continued on the same path our marriage would end before the end of 2021.

In 30 years my husband and I never really had any deep discussions about us, our lives, our expectations, our sex lives or anything that really matters.

We would have arguments where things would be said that cut right down to the bone and then a few days later things would return to a sort of normal state.

I realised that chances were much greater that my husband, who is 79, would pass away before me, that we had made no gay friends since we relocated to another city 7 years ago and that, should he pass before me I would be all on my own.

I realised that I had no idea what I really wanted sexually. I had suppressed my sexuality and libido so much that it made me unhappy and frustrated.

I made a decision that I wanted to find out if I was able to have normal sexual relationships again.I only tried to be the bottom once about a year after the incident and the guy told me afterwards that I completely lost it. I never tried to repeat the experience againagain.

I realised for the experiment to succeed I would have to cheat on my husband since 1) he is not physically capable, 2) he did not know about the rape and 3) if I did have a meltdown he would neither cope nor understand.

I also realised I would have to be in control of the situation somehow and the end choice was to make use of the service of a ďprofessionalĒ man.

After making and cancelling a few bookings I eventuslly managed to make and keep a booking for a sensual massage coupled with a prostate massage and with a happy ending. His ad specifically excluded **** sex. I thought that that should ease me into trying more next time.

I have already gotten a very good vibe from, lets call him G, while chatting in Whatsapp and meeting him in person only reinforced the feeling.

I clicked with him and the massage went very well, but to my surprise he made the suggestion that instead of just a happy ending we should end it with **** sex.

I was relaxed enough and at ease enough to try it. Despite experiencing some initial panic, I managed to enjoy the experience. I did not manage to maintain an erection once penetration took place, but the experience was liberating.

The downside of this is that I realised I want more of it. I also experienced a lot of confused feelings afterwards.

My husband and I also went for some counselling with G ( who has a Master in Psychology) and he made some very unconventional suggestions.

One is that my husband allows me to find sexual fulfilment outside the marriage if he wanted me to be sexually filfilled and for both of us to make friends separately from each other, but also communal friends.

In principal my husband has agreed to it, but I know that he is only agreeing to it because the alternative is either separation or divorce.

He is not able to support himself financially and thus he feels he has to agree to almost anything to secure his financial position.

My journey so far has had some very unexpected self discoveries and some worrisome side effects.

1) I am suddenly attracted to almost the opposite type of man than what I always felt an atteaction to. Is this normal?

2) I have managed to hook up with three men so far and although I do not have any problem with getting and maintainin an erection, I simply cannot reach ejaculation. I have no problem if I masturbate. Should I worry about it?

3) I used to masturbate almost daily, but now it may be once a week. Is this my guilty conscience? I have not trouble getting aroused the times I met with the 3 men even though I did not ejaculate.

As always, once a decision is made, doubt is not far behind. Was I selfish to start this? Am I doing the right thing?

Possible trigger:
I thought Inhad resolved all my issues long time ago and have made peace with what happened. But going in this journey has taught me that there must have been unresolved issues and that I never dealt with them. I simply buried them deep down and created a life for myself where Indid not have to deal with them. When I started this journey I did not expect this fall out, these physical bodily reactions and thus change in my sexual preferences. I donít even know if this is normal or if Inam heading for some sort if meltdown. I feel OK, a bit confused, but OK.

Lastly, knowing what I know about my husband, do I suppress my feelings and return to our old life and watch our relationship crash and burn even faster (the relationship was already severely strained prior to this) or do I continue on my journey of self discovery?

Last edited by bluekoi; 02-25-2021 at 10:22 PM.. Reason: Apply trigger code.
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