My Support Forums - View Single Post - Bipolar Check-In Thread #54

*Beth* · Feb 25, 2021 at 02:58 PM

I had a rough time last night. 2 days ago I began to wonder if my sister-friend, C. was real or if I created her and she is a hallucination. I know full well that she was a very real human being, and that our friendship lasted 53 years until she died. But the stupid thought persisted. I thought, What if she was a hallucination and my brain created her and her family?

Well, that nagging thought turned into a full-on paranoia last night. I began to suspect that C. was haunting me and wanted me to come with her to where she is...I could feel how tormented she was when she died (she had been a very closeted alcoholic; other than that a wonderful daughter, mom and grandma). I felt that she was reading my thoughts, mocking me (she never would have done that!), and so on. It was awful. I felt horribly guilty for having such thoughts about her.

I was afraid to sleep so I took a tiny bit of extra AP and sleep meds. I did end up sleeping pretty well, as well as I ever do, anyway. I wish my therapist was here this week. I was using some self-protection techniques I practice in therapy, which did halp a little bit.

I'm still feeling paranoid. It's ridiculous. I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow and using a gift card to a nice store (my son gave it to me), so I'm trying to focus on those treats. Also reading a novel, which is a distraction. I'd call my pdoc, but I know she'd tell me to temporarily raise my AP, which I've already done.

I have to have my car battery jumped because, although I have a good battery, my husband has twice left the parking lights on all night when he used my car. Ugh. I really wish this paranoia would subside.