Hello Ian: Thank you for bringing your concern here to My Support Forums. I want to mention I'm not gay. So I don't know as I can be of a lot of help with regard to the details of your dilemma. (Hopefully there may yet be other MSF members who will have thoughts they can offer.) But I noticed this is your first post, so I thought I would at least welcome you to the forums.

In reading through the questions you posed, I would have to say my thinking would be all of the relationship-related stuff is sufficiently complicated it really warrants some at-length and in-depth work with a skilled mental health / relationships professional as does the rape experience you kept hidden for so many years. (Without going into pointless detail, I will say I know something about the ramifications of keeping secrets over the majority of one's lifetime. And it's not pretty.)

As far as the ejaculation concern goes, I would think that would be something to check out medically. There may or may not be something going on physically there. Perhaps it's simply something that is related to your life experiences. But it wouldn't hurt to have it checked out medically as well I would think. Although I'm not gay I am 72 years old. And I would have to say that a lot of what you wrote sounds familiar to me as I look back over my own lifetime. So there is a sense in which I'm inclined to say quite a bit of what wrote may be, at least to some extent, age-related (both yours as well as your husband's.)

You asked if you were selfish to start this and are you doing the right thing. My personal perspective is anytime you go behind your spouse's back to do anything you're headed for trouble. You mentioned your husband is 79. I do have sympathy for his situation because, even at 72, I know how vulnerable I have come to feel. I doubt one can really appreciate that until one gets into that age range and experiences it for oneself. But, of course, you have your life to live too. So I think, ideally, what would be best here would be for you to be able to do what you need to do for yourself... openly... while also taking into account your husband's advanced age. That's a tall order as we used to say. And of course that's easy for me to say, I know. But to my mind your situation, as well as that of your husband, may need the ongoing support of a skilled mental health professional for a period of time. I personally doubt the situation you describe is going to be resolved over the course of one or two counseling sessions.

I'm sorry I don't have more to offer than this. But I do wish both you and your husband the best and that you find having come here to the forums to be of benefit.