Sweetie,
I obviously arrived in the psych lock-up ward after doing the dirty deed, so my route was different. But as I've described in poems like "Almost 6" and "Edge of the Atmosphere's Sapphire Arc," the reality of hospitalization is so very, very different from its negative portrayal in movies and on TV. When I went in, I literally wanted to die (and had made a hell of an effort); when I came out, the air never smelled so sweet out of doors and the world never seemed so big and wonderous and full of possibilities. Does this mean I lived happily ever after? Nope. Four months later, after a manic to depressiive crash-and-burn, I was out of work on disability for two months, as you well know. But I did learn an awful lot of coping skills on the ward. And I did learn that I'm not all alone in combatting my illness. And most of all, I did learn that there are people who care and are ready to jump in at a moment's notice to save my life. Perfect strangers. Hospitalization won't make you live "happily ever after," luv; but it's a great parachute, and much better than than the alternative. Without the hospitalization, I'd never have met you, albeit cybernetically and via the phone at this point. That would have been a lot to miss out on. Try to think of hospitalization as a temporary haven where you can regain your footing, with a lots of help from professionals and other people in the same position as you. I remember how utterly defeated I felt while sitting in the ward waiting to be registered and checked in. But I was just astounded at how much 24/7 support did for me by the time I walked out. Don't physically fight, whatever you do. Some of those male nurses are built like tanks, and in any case, they're all there to help you. I sure didn't want to go into the ward. But I'm sure glad I did. Honest. I'd never sugarcoat something like this for you. Put all those cinematic and television images out of your head. Maybe things were that way 30-40 years ago, but they certainly aren't now. Above all, protect yourself from harm, and if you don't think you can guarantee you won't hurt yourself, then get to the ER as quickly as you can. I had the same preconceptions as you do, and they were all wrong -- the ward turned out to be an incredibly nurturing place. Please listen to your kitty. Your one and only Cheshire Cat