This is a continuation of my other thread about the rupture.

When I posted yesterday I was still too close to the session to be able to write about it.

The truth is, I had an absolute and complete meltdown on Tuesday. T really hurt me and I was completely in a transference. Sobbing doesn't do justice to my reaction. The floodgates were opened. The tears poured for about an hour. They just flowed like a raging river. I must have used a zillion tissues. At one point I had to leave the room because I felt sick. I went into the restroom and threw water on my face.

At the end of my session T had to ask the next client to wait 15 minutes while I pulled myself together enough to leave. I have no idea how I got home that night, I probably drove about 40 miles per hour (in a 55) all the while fighting the urge to pull over and just die.

You saw yesterday's post about T's apology and explanation. The import here for me is his ability to come clean, so to speak. And yes, I feel that incredible and amazing growth is resulting from this interaction.

Today's session was the third day in a row. When I got there I felt flat and exhausted. It was a very calm session. I told him that I had doubts about the health of our relationship but they were ameliorated by yesterday's session. I also said that it would take me a while to feel safe there again.

I pulled out my beeswax to play with and told T that maybe I needed art therapy. As I twisted the beeswax into a sort of braid T said, "it looks like you're wringing my neck." I said maybe I am. LOL

I smiled and just continued. His comment was so ironic to me because in my earlier post today I said I wanted to tell him to bug off but when I got there I felt so flat. Yet, there I sat "wringing his neck," and he knew exactly what I was doing!

I am always completely amazed by the power of the unconscious!

Peace out