be confused... be very confused.. i often am.

this whole thing has been a mish-mashed mess...

the rules have changed, no lie.. but my understanding of the rule surrounding asking for reassurance is part of the problem apparently. a lot of things he said have had me not understanding where i stood.

but i did talk to him about this... firstly about the feeling of not being able to talk to him

that took a lot of time... and in the end he said that my idea that i could never ask for reassurance was completely incorrect... he said that he might not answer certain types of questions or requests, he might direct me to look inside myself. For this request i couldn't bear having him tell me to do that, not this time.

i told him about the stuff i felt i couldn't say.. the stuff from my history.. told him that first

then at some point i tackled the dreaded BIG question.. and he gave me what i asked for.. he gave me what i needed.. i felt like i was going to cry from relief

he and i are a "we" again

riptide... the incident you're referring to was when the rules began changing.. each change sets off my whole network of schemata (schema/schemata?)... it's not that what i think is not real.. it is very real... but the feelings become a mix of past and current times.. thoughts can't be sorted... it's hell. Pure hell.

for now i hope i can just cling to a safer shore