Hi @Lostpossum, welcome to My Support Forums. I read your accounting of what you experienced with your girlfriend and there are things that stood out to me. I am not a professional, but I have been learning alot and I struggle with ptsd so there are things I can explain to you that you are not understanding about ptsd. You mentioned your ex-girlfriend told you she struggles with cptsd. That means she experienced things in her childhood and probably home environment that traumatized her and certain reminders trigger her to experience intrusive feelings as though whatever it was that traumatized her is happening again.

Sometimes a family can seem close when what is really happening is what is called "trauma bonding". It's very concerning that her father has so much power over her at her age, and that he told her if she stayed with you that he would divorce her mother. That is emotional blackmail and abuse. Also, it's showing an important red flag where there was a threat that if she did not follow her father's rules that it could cause a family breakup and it would be HER fault.

The other thing that is important to consider is the years she has had to pay attention to observing her father for cues that she was not pleasing him. And she was imprinted to think that if something bad happens to blame someone else. And that if someone poses some kind of threat then they need to be shunned and not allowed to be part of the family circle. Add to that how she was also home schooled and that can mean her education may have had a controlling parental element to it as well. At 28 years old and still being worried about what her father will think and how he may punish her is NOT HEALTHY.

The other thing that stands out to me is that your girlfriend was in an accident, TRAUMA. When someone experiences trauma, and they have ptsd challenges there will be a very strong desire to AVOID any reminders, and that will be a definite and can accompany heightened emotions including anger. Even without already having ptsd, this kind of deep desire to avoid can happen. The reason for this avoidance is fear of being triggered to re-experience the trauma when a person doesn't want to relive it. A person doesnt choose this challenge, it's intrusive and can happen even when the person doesn't want to experience it. A reminder can trigger a ptsd episode, and that's what someone with ptsd wants to avoid. Also, one the reasons she doesn't want to be around this cousin isn't so much him but that he is a reminder of the trauma she experienced.

Now I want to share something else, it's not going to be easy to think about for you and I am sorry. When any woman loses a child, be it via miscarriage or abortion it's a trauma that in itself can cause ptsd. It's very possible that she got mixed messages from not only you but also her father about being pregnant. This most likely led to her decision of ending the pregnancy. I understand that you wanted to do the right thing, that you did not want to have her feel pressured and any silence she may have picked up only meant that you were trying to think about how to manage and unexpected child. No doubt her father was expressing negatives that you did not even see, but it's there and is a dynamic in that family that is and has been very unhealthy.

You are experiencing gradual distancing and it's partly because your presence brings about reminders. And it's not necessarily a conscious choice being made either. This challenge with "trust" that comes up, it's a lot more complicated when someone struggles with ptsd. It goes much deeper in trusting self and trying to figure out how to feel "safe". This was a challenge for your girlfriend long before you came into her life. And what is concerning as I mentioned is how her father continues to have so much power and influence over her. This will make any relationship she has a challenge for her. This can happen with a parent in families, sometimes it's the mother, sometimes it's the father that is a constant controlling factor.

YOU can't fix that either. Whatever happened is not your fault, it was accidental and can happen to anyone, it may have even happened if you had been driving that day. The anger isn't at you, but she has been taught that by her father. The anger is that it happened period, no ones fault. Even the pregnancy was an accident and that happens all the time.

My advise is to understand that she is trying to move on and distance from trauma and you because you are reminder. And this isn't really fully a conscious thing she is doing but more of trying to figure out how to go forward and distance from trauma. She also has to get away from her father and find her own rules to live by. Not sure she will accomplish that.

From what you shared, please don't self blame or question yourself. There are so many elements in this challenge that have nothing to do with you failing or that you did anything bad. You are very thoughtful and kind and caring and you deserve to heal and once again find someone who can appreciate you that doesn't have the challenges that your girlfriend had. There were things you did not see when it came to her family dynamics. Learn from that and be more observant when you get involved with someone else.

Also, it's ok to still love and care about her. It's best for you to distance and hope she finds her way to breaking away from the toxic ties she experiences with her father.