ltlredvett,

That's a hard thing for me to take. I belive things would have been better had we decided not to split when we did, but rather worked things out.

The ex called me yesterday on my cell phone while I was at work. I shouldn't have answered it, but I did. I ended up leaving my office to take a walk when we talked--rather, argued. He wanted me to do some things regarding the house that I thought were wrong or unethical. Told me to put zeroes on his part of the financial forms since he's no longer working and that he told me he doesn't need to submit any bank statements, income statements, that sort of thing. I was trying to negotiate with the bank to do a deed in lieu of foreclosure and they want documentation that states we can't carry the note on the house. Well, this exposes only MY few assets and none of his in case they need to negotiate with us any remaining debt on the house.

He then proceeded to blame me why the house didn't sell and said it was stated in the divorce decree that it was MY responsibility. Well, perhaps so. But I did the best I could. He is joint owner, and didn't lift a finger. We got into a terrible argument that degraded very rapidly into things that hurt a lot.

He proceeded again to reinforce how ugly I was, that I was stupid, incompetent, undesirable. He went for the jugular, and I sat outside on a bench crying for I don't know how long while I let him say those things. I couldn't even stand up for myself. He told me I poisoned our kids against him because I didn't keep my mouth shut about what happened to me. I told them about what happened and why we're divorced. I never slammed their dad to them, but I became so despondent one day and one of them asked. All of our daughters, except the youngest one, pretty much have nothing to do with him now. And he thinks it's all my fault.

I called my counselor, and luckily, she was able to take my call and even called me back later. There are days I can barely get out of bed. I also talked to my oldest daughter, and I hate doing that, but sometimes, my daughter is all I have.

I feel so lonely and isolated. I barely function at work, there are days it does seem more logical to me to be dead. The house note would be paid off through insurance, the kids would have the money they need for their college, and I wouldn't feel like this. I couldn't feel then. I have a decent life insurance policy, and it would take care of at least some needs for everyone that I can't meet now.

I feel ugly and unwanted. I loved my ex, and I never once cheated on him and I don't understand why he has to tell me these things, even if they are true. I'm an emotional wreck and I honestly don't think I'll ever get better. This man does not care who he hurts. I feel like I wasted my life now... and honestly, at this age, I resent having to start all over again and being exposed to someone's abuse like this. I resent having to be told time and time again that he was a martyr, that he never should have married me or that he never loved me.

I did all I could. In fact, for a long time... right after our divorce was final, I felt some relief. I moved into my own place, I had a social life, and I was at least able to do some decent work. Now though, I've had such a backslide I don't think I'll get back. Life before was barely tolerable, and now it seems like I have nothing to really live for. I'm miserable and unhappy and I don't think I'll ever be happy or at least content.