Hi guys, I will write a bit more here about my experience with EMDR, perhaps it can be useful for someone.
The post should not be triggering, I hope, but it does mention triggers as a word, and it mentions traumagenic child-like parts, without going into details of either parts or the trauma.











Please bear in mind that I never said I have DID or OSDD, but my current EMDR therapist, after working with me since October 2020, said the last time in therapy, that what he saw me deal with in the last four months was near that part of the dissociation spectrum. We both somehow agreed that I do not want or better do not need a diagnosis, as it didn't make a difference for our work together. Our aim was integration of traumatic memories that were causing me a lot of distress. (I was, however, dx before with DPDR and dissociative amnesia, along with depression and generalized anxiety disorder, and somatization. I am talking currently about those things as in the past, because in this moment I do not feel I am suffering any more. It may be a fleeting state, but it is yet to be seen.)

My therapist's approach is based in REBT as his primary therapeutic training, and it is additionally focused on trauma therapy through EMDR. From the first time in therapy with him, I was very open, as the choice to seek help in EMDR came after a lot of suffering, and I felt I will not be able to get out of it on my own. I knew that one of the problems with my former therapist, who is a very logical, rational CBT therapist, and who helped me a lot regarding some things, was my reluctance to open up about some things, as I did not feel safe to talk about them. He was too quick to judge, and he was not able to offer any compassion, which I learned is a big deal in trauma recovery.

However, I still needed a bit of time with this new person I was talking to, and some building of (mutual) trust, before I could start talking about parts. I think that was my worst fear, that he will not believe my experience. I used the book by Janina Fisher (Healing the Fragmented Parts of Trauma Survivors) as a framework to articulate what was going on within me, as I was very scared that my experience of fragmentation would be denied, so I wanted something tangible to relate to. Fortunately, I was able to influence the therapy, sometimes - or at least that is how it seemed to me - even more than the therapist. I think that is also due to his talent to let the client express themselves, and really listen to what is going on in there.

I always had this specific way of seeing my memories, as nodes within the 3D mesh, happening/replaying all at once. There was no timeline, so to say, no chronology to my life. Just sometimes, as with "view control" tool in VR, I was able to get close to some memories, and to move away from others. No wonder, I guess, that the integration of traumatic memories (and along with them, of some parts), was chronological in me, as I think I needed that in order to stabilize and to produce a coherent narrative about my life. The first part I brought in was the youngest, and we worked through those memories, with a lot of crying, I struggled between the urge to express the emotions and the horrendous fear of letting another person hear about my memories and my feelings. I literally believed that by talking about what happened to me I would hurt another person, and I could not bear to be responsible for hurting anyone. My therapist reassured me that he already heard everything, and that nothing that I say will hurt him, as he has ways to protect himself.

At that point, I knew I am telling things that are true, and that those memories belong to me, but I could not feel them as mine. The moment I would start talking, I was completely detached from the sound of my voice and the content of what I was saying. But I knew I have to protect that child. Perhaps my most important accomplishment, that happened after several weeks into therapy, was when I realized that this youngest part has the need to form an attachment with therapist, as with a "good" parent. Instead of doing that, I managed somehow, by talking endlessly in my head between sessions, to turn that attachment back to myself. I was an adult now, who can protect the little part, and I just needed them to believe so, that we are safe. And I managed to do that, to form a secure attachment within myself. I was super proud!

Working with the second child part went fine as well, even though the weight of emotions that I will not go into details here, was terrible to witness in such a small child. And then I had trouble with the third one, as chronologically, those memories belonged to an older child. In the youngest, the dominant emotion was fear, but the older they were, the more prevailing emotion was shame. I believe shame plays a big part in dissociation, at least that was my case. With this one, I felt a considerable setback, after several months of success. Triggers were present more often, and I started losing faith that this will actually work. However, the overall progress was obvious in my behavior.


I kept being triggered, but instead of giving in to triggers, I realized that I need to change the parameters. On the third day of the same trigger repeating at the same time of the day, instead of doing things as usual, I distracted myself on purpose, just for that half an hour, when the triggers were the strongest. And I felt I do have some control over it after all. The EMDR session after that was very successful, and for the first time, after four months of EMDR, I felt that I can do my own integration of some memories on purpose. My mind must have been doing that all along, because the actual EMDR therapy was certainly not the only place the integration would happen, but now I felt capable of entering the target memory on my own, without being triggered, and stitching any other memory to it, as a way of integrating it further, and making myself more internally connected and whole as a person. Don't do that unless it comes to you naturally, and unless you have already been stabilized through EMDR or some other kind of therapy.



In short, it is incredible that, since February 25th, I feel like my old functioning self, the way I was before the end of 2016, when I started having serious problems with dissociation, but then again I am different, as I feel I am changed by this experience, and I feel there is more depth to me than it was before, perhaps even more understanding of people and of their inner lives and turmoils.
But all the anxiety that was literally ripping me apart, is gone. Pains and all sorts of physical complaints, are mostly gone. I do have some pains here and there, but I can tell they are real pains, and not memories, such as when I got a vaccine, my hand was hurting and I felt my muscles are sore as a reaction. I know that is a real pain at this moment, unlike a myriad of pains I suffered for years, that were body memories, and spasms that tortured me beyond words, including shaking and swetting and cramping.


I also think that the important realization linked to that last session was actually of neither me nor anyone else being all good or all bad. It used to be my characteristic to think of people as all-good or all-bad. I had a hard time embracing the facets of myself that I didn’t consider good. Now I just know they are there, I don’t want to judge them, I don’t want to judge me. I am who I am, and I can make a choice to behave one way or another, but I do not judge myself as all-good or all-bad.
And that is how I see the people I care about in my life. They are certainly not all-good or all-bad, but I admire and love them for most of the time, and tolerate them on other occasions, just as they most certainly do when it comes to me


On top of all that, those very people who hurt me and betrayed me, and those by whom I felt rejected and betrayed, those people shrank to their actual size. They are not those monstrously huge godzilla-like silhouettes on the horizon, in front of whom I feel helpless. They are people, just like me now, and from my own place in the world, and my own habitus as a person I can judge about what they did to me, or how they failed to protect me. In case you thought I will be talking about forgiveness, I will not. I don’t ever want to forgive them. What they’ve done to a helpless little child is unforgivable. But I want to say they don’t scare me any more, I am not scared either by their appearance, or by the loss of their affection, as I realized I never had any. I see them as humans, as I am. It is not that I judge them upon their innate characteristics as people, but I do judge their behaviour, especially when that behaviour resulted in terrible pain and suffering. They didn’t deserve me, that is all, not by who they are, but by how they behaved. I was bound to them by family, but I have the right to choose not to be their family. They abused the bond of trust between parents and a child, and with a considerable delay, but not too late, I choose not to be their kin. I don’t want anything for them, good or bad, I just don’t want them to be in my life, and that kind of rejection is my right. It took me a lot of work to get to that point.


Anyway, if your read so far, my sincere congratulations for patience and appologies for not being able to make this shorter I am still working on all this, so it didn’t have time to settle properly, but I knew if I didn’t write it now, I may lose it, or it would be transformed into something else.


Have courage, my friend, and believe that things can get better. Believe in yourself, you are worthy and perfect and complete the way you are.