Thanks to each of you - your suggestions are gold.
TunedOut, oh, how I wish I could sleep on it. Unfortunately, if I don't get my anger out now, by tonight my mental state could be in dire straights.Last week I had some paranoia problems (I have bipolar disorder), I'm still struggling with that, and I just...I'm pushed to the limit.
So. Here's what I wrote to my therapist. It's no award-winning email, but that's okay. Let her untangle it and work it out. That's her job, not mine.
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Dear M.,
Last week's cancellations were rough, this time I feel like I'm unglued. I hate the damned teletherapy so much, then the cancelled appointments in addition - it feels like too much.
I am trying to compose an email to you, but I'm so angry and frightened that the email is all jammed up in my mind. I feel so angry! The same feeling I have throughout my entire life, the same pattern - that I always come last because I'm not that important. Always, in every significant relationship in my life. I have to work so hard to be approved of, or even to be considered worth someone's attention. Why should I have to behave so well only to meet another's expectations, so they care about me?
For the second Monday in a row the clinic has called about 3 hours prior to my appointment with you and cancelled. I'm guessing that you're giving them short notice, which is why they call me on such short notice. There's no respect there, M.! None for my time or feelings.
-Beth