My Support Forums - View Single Post - T brought up something in session that I am not sure how to deal with

SlumberKitty · Mar 01, 2021, 05:46 PM

Thank you everyone.

Possible trigger:

I've never been all that interested in sex or kissing. Which is how I have lived my whole live celibate. I thought it was just my autism spectrum. Or maybe because of the antidepressants and other meds that I have taken for more than half my life, it just sucked the libido right out of me. Lately I have come to define myself as Asexual because while I am more attracted to men, I don't want to sleep with them. Except for Daniel Craig, my celeb crush! And even then. No kissing.

I did have a series of pretty invasive medical procedures done when I was a child. They were trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I was tested for everything from childhood arthritis, and leukemia to rare bone diseases. Turns out I needed my tonsils out. By that time I had undergone bone biopsies and everything. I had a bad reaction to the metal clamp they used on my tongue while getting my tonsils out and my tongue swelled up. I ended up losing 20 pounds (at age 11 when I really was already underweight, not like now when I could stand to lose 20 lbs) because I couldn't eat and had to go on a liquid diet because of the tongue thing. All of that was rather traumatic and for a while I thought I was dying because of the tests they were performing. And for like 2 years no one knew why I kept getting sick and the tests they kept doing got more outrageous. For one they had to shave part of my head to take a biopsy of my skull.

The only memories that I do have that might at all be possibly maybe be considered CSA trigger

Possible trigger:

are of me when I was less than five and on at least three occasions where I was sleeping over at a cousin's house along with my sister and my sister and the cousin who are both several years older than me, touched me in my private parts. I knew it was wrong and I ended up getting physically sick, vomiting, and my aunt would wait until 6 AM to call my parents to come pick me up. But that's trivial. I don't even think it is CSA. I don't remember the extent of what was done, I just remember certain things, then feeling very sick and then getting sick. And the reason that I know it was at least three times is because it happened within a short time from one another and my parents talked about it as I was growing up how "every time" I went to that Aunt and Uncles house I would be physically sick and they had to go get me. But while I haven't discussed this in detail with my T, I did tell her about it and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal. So I don't know if it even qualifies as CSA. Certainly I don't think of it like that. I just think of it as something unfortunate that happened when I was young. But I don't remember if it was some sort of game and I don't know if I said no. I don't know if I didn't want to play. Or what. I just knew that it was wrong in my stomach, I could feel it and then I would end up sick. So I don't know if I was a willing participant or coerced or what. I don't know if that could be CSA but I have no other memories of anything that could be CSA.

I was physically abused by my mother and emotionally neglected by both my parents. Although we have a good relationship now. My mom had untreated mental illness when I was growing up and a problem with anger. But both of my parents did their best. Just sometimes their best sucked.

I am so mad at my T for bringing this up. I don't know what possessed her. I'm trying to just forget she said it. But then Pastor T said it too so it's like two of them in my head. Having one T in your head is bad enough, two are terrible!

I can never ask my sister because it just isn't spoken of like most of my childhood. And I don't have contact with that cousin except on FB but I basically ignore her. There's been some weird things in her life that have made me wonder though. She was with a man who ended up in big trouble with the law because he

Possible trigger:

set up a camera to film her teenage daughter

and the last guy she was with just totally creeped me out. But what the husband got in trouble for, it made me think of what happened when I was a kid and I have to admit it made me wonder if she had done it. All the evidence was on her computer. Not his. It was just weird.

I hate that T put these thoughts in my head and made me think about the unfortunate events. I hate that I'm going to have to talk to T about it probably in order for them to go away. I hate T right now. I'm so mad at her.