Well its been approximately 10 or 12 years since I was here last. Lately, despite how lucky I am and how great life is, i have been feeling rumblings of old habits and past bumps have been raised.

I feel triggered more frequently, i have yet to actually SI, but i can feel the urges. It makes me work physically harder, which isn't healthy at all, I also find sometimes i take things too far on purpose. Just to see how my body reacts.

Im afraid, of what i am capable of, I find sleepless nights are filled with dread i will go down a dark rabbit hole.

I just felt i needed to share this with a community that understands.