OOh, that's a hard one. The "life is pretty good so why do I feel this way" yeah, that's like a punch in the gut isn't it? There's no easy answers to that either. I think SH is just sneaky and likes to pop it's stupid little head up at every opportunity. I just passed 400 days no SH. I feel like I shouldn't want it like I do, but I still do. My T tried arguing with me saying that I didn't really want to do it. I was like, no really, you have no idea. The one thing that she and I can agree on is that I don't want to go back to the hospital so that has been keeping me on the straight and narrow for a bit now. But I had a really tough time first two weeks of last month. Didn't think I was going to make it through. I don't know how I made it through. Just white knuckled it. And texted some friends who helped me through it. But a lot of white knuckling.


Strength training sounds fun. Also sounds hard! Kudos to you my friend. Sounds like you are going to know how to kick some serious butt! Go you! But it's good that you have recognized that you might be hurting yourself in other perhaps more acceptable ways. This is an important realization, I think. I think maybe somewhere down deep inside you might feel like you don't deserve to be hurt and that realization is that protest of that little tiny part of you. (Just a guess, could be totally wrong!)


I'm sorry moving has left you with less support. You are totally welcome to PM me anytime. I'm not usually available on the weekends but I usually check in Monday through Fridays. I'll be happy to listen. Or keep posting here in Self Injury forum. It gets kind of slow in this forum but I check it pretty often.


Do you know why you are in a rocky place inside? Sometimes I think for me it's just the day of the week. There's no good reason. It just is. Does that feel true to you or are you able to pinpoint something that is making it harder right now?


I've recently taken up reading again. Enjoying some Ann Cleeves books. She writes British detective cop mystery books. Maybe some other stuff but those are the ones I'm reading of hers. And I've been painting a bit. I think it was last month--no, it was January--I had to take a few days off of work because I just felt so rubbish. My Dad got out my paints. And I just painted. Nothing brilliant. But still good to express stuff. These are two of my fairly recent coping mechanisms.


The other thing for me is just having a few people I can turn to when I'm having a crap day and want to SH. This wasn't my idea, it was my Pastor's when I was seeing him for therapy. He's also a licensed MFT. So the people on my go to call list, or text list rather, are from my Church. I've also been volunteering one day a month. I don't know. Makes me feel good to help out. Any of this stuff, reading, painting, reaching out, volunteering, sound like something you want to put in your toolbox? Or can you think of some other things? It's okay if you can't. I know sometimes I get to that place where my head is just overloaded and I can't think of things to keep myself safe.


You also mentioned feeling somewhat "empty and cold" about it. What's that like? Can you explain a bit more? If I had to guess I would think maybe it's just a form of not caring. Like not caring about yourself, or what happens to you. Maybe just not caring about the world around you right now. Let me know if that resonates or if I am off base. When I get this way I tend to write my little sponsored child in Ethiopia. I sponsor her through Compassion International. Just writing to her and knowing that I am making a difference in her life gives my life meaning. Make sense or is that dorky? Doesn't have to be a sponsored child. Could be anyone. Some homeless person you see on the street that you give a few bucks to. Little things that bring meaning into your life. Might help.


Hang in there my friend. Keep writing if you want. We are here and listening! HUGS Kit