I need to get some things out.

The therapist had previously terminated me about two to three months into our work in the fall of 2019. She terminated me because she felt that she couldn't meet my need for outside contact. But she changed her mind and decided to work with me on it. She was well aware of my needs and where I'm at developmentally. The moment she decided to go back on her termination and take me back as a patient, she made the commitment to work with me knowing that I have certain needs. I trusted her and invested in her. For her to turnaround and come up with rigid rules now or threaten to terminate me when I violate her rules of outside contact is just wrong and a betrayal.

She has always worked with me on it until she sought consultation in January this year after that upsetting incident in December. It was just a day before she sought consultation when the therapist said that there has to be some changes, but that she wouldn't do anything drastic and it wouldn't be no contact right off the bat. But she changed her stance because according to the therapist, her trusted consultant said some very strict things to her about rules and boundaries. I hate it whenever therapists make drastic changes after seeking consultation or supervision.

I said to the therapist that she's giving me more than I can handle and setting me up for failure. And indeed, I failed. It's only a matter of time. Today, I failed.

She's expecting me to be able to handle something that's beyond what I can achieve given my needs, presenting condition, and where I'm at developmentally. Today, after an upsetting therapy meeting that triggered some of my deepest fears, I was anxious and spiraled into text messaging the therapist. Her response was that she's honestly thinking of terminating me, and that one more infraction and we're done.

Infraction? Infraction?!?! What patient can work like that? Instead of helping me to cope, she comes up with a rule and that she would terminate me if I violate the rule. The rule may stop the behavior, but it doesn't address the underlying issues. Last Friday, I said to her that sometimes no matter what I do to try and calm myself down, I can't seem to self-soothe. Her response was that I needed to work harder. She said that with a laugh. I called her out on it. She said that she didn't mean it literally and that's why she said it with a laugh.

I think that we were done the moment the therapist went back on her commitment to work with me and take me back as a patient knowing that I have certain needs. We were done the moment when her assurance that she would work with me to figure out what the changes and rules are went out of the window, and she decided to go with what her trusted consultant said and came up with a rigid rule and drawing a big X across the board regarding outside contact.

What triggered me in therapy today? Long story short, a couple of weeks ago, I conveyed what my needs are to the therapist and I said that I need that from her in our therapy; otherwise, the alternative would be termination. The therapist responded that rigid rules are in place right now for containment, but that when circumstances change, her trusted consultant's advice would no longer be relevant and would be outdated, and we could talk about bringing back some outside contact. That sounded very hopeful. But today, she seemed to contradict our previous conversation when she said that she has relied on this trusted consultant for many years and that his words have a very strong influence over her. She went on to say that certain contact – specifically short calls – are off the table – period. That triggered some of my greatest fears.

One of my deepest fears is being given more than I can handle and being left to my own devices; in other words, I fear falling apart. Another great fear that I have is not being heard, listened to, or given a voice. When the therapist put her trusted consultant on a pedestal today, it immediately put a sense of dread in me. I felt like I had lost the therapist who I have known – the therapist who was flexible and who could listen to me and work with me on a pace that works for me.

I feel really fed up and frustrated. Even after the upsetting incident in December but before the therapist sought consultation, we were still having outside contact that didn't result in things blowing up. It's only after she sought consultation that things became tense and rigid.

I'm also fed up because the therapist knows since our initial few meetings that I have certain needs for outside contact. She knows where I'm at developmentally and my presenting condition. But she decided to take me on. That's a commitment to work with me. And when things get hard, her response is to come up with rigid rules and put it on me for not working harder to soothe myself. That's ridiculous. If I know how to do it, I would do it.

All this while, too, the therapist hasn't been observing her limits. When I needed outside contact, she would respond and give a call even when she's feeling tired or stressed. That only leads to build up feelings of resentment. Rather than rigid rules or a big X across the board regarding no contact, isn't it about observing limits in each given moment? As some of you mentioned, your therapist tells you not to worry about overwhelming them, and that they would observe their own limits by saying yes when they're able to be available to you and no when they can't.