I think there is something seriously wrong with me, with my mind. I had lots of psychiatrists, therapists, neurologists, taken prescribed medications, but so far, I don't feel any better. None of these professionals got even close to any solution, some just listened but never said anything (literally) and I felt like I was paying someone just to listen, some just prescribed meds which didn't help and then acted frustrated because I said I don't feel any improvement, Meds made me just sleeping all the time.
I have a hedonistic side of me, which is the one that wants me to enjoy life, I love comics, books, movies, nature, animals, ice-cream, food in general, beaches, sun, sex etc... I have the side that wants me, so badly, to enjoy life while I can. On the other hand there is the other side of me, desperate, sad, who wants some kind of "justice" for world, who is going after goals impossible to achieve, like I want so badly to protect the animals being killed and suffer when I fail every time (because it's not possible!), side that suffers all the bad things in the world, all the suffering, meaningless pain and pollution, and people being reckless, and this side also wants to be liked and at the same time it wants to be right, it wants to have arguments and win, it wants people to be nice to her and to love her, but is also verbally aggressive and honestly I can look insane because I can't calmly stand behind my believes but it all turns into pure anger and visible desperation. That side of me makes my life living hell. It makes my head full of toxic imagined conversations with people like me trying to get some "sense" into them (like I hate littering! or people who beat animals, or who pollute etc) and I hate hate myself for that. On one hand, yes this world has problems, and a lot, and yes, we should be aware of pollution and respect every life, but on the other, NO ONE CARES! In real life I just get harassed, hated, bullied, and more than anything else, ignored and despised. And I can't even feel like I am a victim because my good loving side knows this other side is just unreasonable bully who wants to teach people "right ways" by pure aggression and desperation, poisoning myself in the process (and possibly also few people that do care about me).
I can't even sleep, I have imaginary conversation, many of them, in my head, with people who did wrong things in my opinion. For example, there is that coworker who irrationally hates me, never told me the reason, he just showed it a lot. I am obsessed in my head to prove him wrong but why??? Why do I even care? Who cares? There is always someone who will hate you for no reason, why give that person so much power? Or person who kicks cats and dogs on the street? Why give them so much space in your head? I will never for sure make them change their mind. Why can't I just freaking live in peace with everything and let my hedonism side enjoy life?
Just to add, I am not physically aggressive or abusive, I don't get into fights or attack people. I have work (for which I live in daily fear of losing it), I am a single mom, I like to look good and take care of myself, and on the outside I come to look pretty normal.
But that dark side of me is RUINING ME! It makes my head full of toxic thoughts and wants to fight some battles I can never win. And it's anxious, it's scared of so many things. What is that? Why can no one help me? People always say "ask for help". I did, but no one helped me. They just... write me off. I started thinking the best for me would be to just disappear. I am damaging myself and everyone around me. What is wrong with me?