I had a session with T last week where talked about breaks. She happened to mention that I've always come to sessions and how some after a break don't show up. To T this was a general throw-away remark, but to me it took on a huge meaning. I suddenly felt very needy for never having missed a session.

We talked about this and on the next session I asked her why do I not miss a session and some do? She said well, theres plenty of reasons, perhaps its more scary for you to miss a session then to come? and perhaps you are more determined? and perhaps you have a greater survial instinct? I answered yes to all these reasons. She said its not a negative to not forget therapy after a break, it shows you area ble to "hold" onto it.

I also told her that I have to think of her as a mother and read by some one who declares themselves as recovered from BPD that a therapist isn't a mother and can never be, and I asked T if my thinking of her as a mother is wrong? She said that I percieve her as sometimes the Good mother and sometimes the bad mother and as long as I know she Isn't my mother then its fine to percieve in that way because thats how my issues will be worked through. I said I know your not my mother, but I do tend to think how it would have been to have had a good enought mother and then put you into that catogary when I need someone to fall back on in my mind. T said, yes and thats fine, because I am proberbly having my first experience of a good enought mother now. I thought the person who wrote the essay was being rather harsh and felt myself distancing my self from the hard b/w facts of what therapy is and isn't and realised that the ablity to just relax into my recovery is an important part of recovery.