Dear isotrope010,

I'm so sorry that is happening to you. It is heartbreaking. I had a somewhat similar experience of being caught in an unbreakable web created by past traumas and all the terrible and burdensome things that go with them. My trust in others was at a zero point. Nothing seemed to help me at all. Nothing seemed to work, which just made everything worse and worse.

A wise person I knew suggested something that seemed just completely crazy to me and unhelpful but in desperation I tried it knowing full well that it couldn't possibly help.

He suggested that each day I do some little acts of kindness. He thought it would be good if I started very small. I remember he suggested that I start by doing this: whenever I was outside walking, I should be careful not to step on any little ants of bugs walking beneath me.

So I tried it . . . going to the get the mail . . . going to take the garbage out . . . going for my walks. I just tried to not harm any little creatures crawling beneath my huge [to them] size. And it helped.

He then suggested that maybe each day I could spare a few breadcrumbs for the little ants that lived in ant hills around my house. He had visited me and noticed how many ant hills there were in my yard.

So each day I gave the ants a little food and a cotton ball soaked in water that they could hydrate themselves from.

From there the wise man suggested I try to maybe feed some birds and pigeons, some squirrels and chipmunks. I did start to feel better and somewhat less bound and oppressed by my past.

I don't make much money but this man, this wise man I knew, a retired professor, suggested I try giving a little spare change to charities.

It seems there are always little boxes by the checkout counters of gas stations and convenience stores where I live, little donation boxes for the March of Dimes, Muscular Dystrophy, St. Jude's Children's Hospital, UNICEF and such.

The goal was to always give just a wee bit of spare change to these various philanthropic organizations. I think the idea was to change my focus from the bad things that happened to me in my past to doing a bit of good in the present and future.

Once I was stuck at home for almost a year because of illness and couldn't do anything. I remember talking to this old man, the wise man I mentioned. He suggested I go into social media sites like Facebook.
People often post things about their family, pets, vacations and so on. He suggested I "like" these posts . . . kind of like giving another human being a little virtual pat on the back.

I often found that there are many depression and mental health sites where it is possible to read of the misfortunes of others and maybe give them a tiny little bit of encouragement or consolation and comfort, understanding and empathy.

I think all these things gradually began to have a wonderful effect on me. They sort of gave me a little gap of freedom from the nightmares of my past that never let me go and they gave me a way into the future.

They seemed to help give me a sense of meaning and purpose and raised my self-esteem in the process.

I think now that people can sometimes be quite heroic in small, undramatic ways.

Obviously I am not like the man who for 30 years donated plasma and who saved who knows how many lives. Compared to him I was a beginner taking "baby steps." But who was it who said that nobility does not only consist in doing great things but also in doing small things with great love.

I realize of course that we are all so very different and that what helps one of us does not help others and might even make them feel worse, so I cannot offer my words as "advice." I am totally unqualified to give advice. Just sharing with you what helped me personally.

Hopefully and it is my profound and sincere hope that you find something that really, really helps you. You deserve to have some peace of mind and some joy of living. It is just awful that you are suffering so!

Sorry if I could not be helpful. Hopefully others here will prove more helpful to you! By the way, I never feel burdened by what you write here on the Forums.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen