I hate posting in these forums, it feels like an admittance of guilt. Well mea cupla.

I had a long talk with my therapist today, I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about it but I came clean about a lot of things. But mostly the problem with me and food, and he agreed there is a problem and it’s all connected. I wrote down me feelings because writing them or typing them helps me sort them out so this is what I’ve come up with.

I can’t eat like a normal person. It’s either eat everything or eat nothing, with very little middle ground. Sometimes I under eat to make up a day of over eating, or vice versa. I feel terrible after I eat, like guilty that I ate. And sometimes I feel like I should punish myself for eating. I must love food because I eat so much of it. I’m always thinking about food. How much have I eaten today? When can I eat again, and what? But I also hate food. It makes me feel terrible, it makes me fat! To me that’s the worst part. I have a horrible figure, I hate my body because it’s so fat. The only solution I’ve found is “eating like a bird”. Although I have to winder what is normal, too much, or not enough. Food has become my enemy.

And yeah. The conclusion just was it’s a problem. Can’t call it an eating disorder though, because something about needing to see a doctor and the physical symptoms. Which is both annoying and releaving. Because it’s nice not to have that hanging over my head, but also it almost seems like no one would take me seriously unless I can say it’s and ED. I’m still forming thoughts over all this.