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Originally Posted by East17
My T's and my relationship had felt off since the end of last year. She told me she was going through some health problems. Then she cancelled an appointment and went off sick. On her return I finally plucked up the courage to ask her about the perceived change and she said it was because she was on the defensive, trying to keep her health issues out of our sessions, but I had picked up on it anyway. She said she didn't know whether to be really honest with me and that if she was, we might not be able to continue working together, because she had brought 'her stuff' into the therapy, which was a no-no. She was quite clear that she didn't want me worrying about her and that our sessions if we continued, were to be about me.
We agreed that neither of us wanted to stop working together, so we'd continue and see how things went. Sounded fine in theory, I thought. But in practice, it's damned hard. Just me knowing that she's seriously unwell has changed the nature of the relationship. I already find myself self-censoring what I feel I can bring up with her. I'm worrying about her in between appointments and wondering how she is. I haven't told her any of this as the disclosure was only recent. I don't want to lose her as my T, but am wondering if I can really keep my feelings and concerns about her, out of the therapy sessions.
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By not acknowledging anything about what she's going through, she has inadvertently made her "stuff"
so much bigger and more distracting. My T has had a couple of big life things come up in the decade or so we have been working together -- a divorce and a major surgery come to mind -- and she has told me at the point when it became something that I would likely notice (a name change and a long break to recuperate, respectively). She presented it as "I'm going through X. I'm okay and I have support in my life so you don't have to take care of me. It will affect you and our work together in Y way. Do you have any questions or concerns?" and then we'd talk about it a little if I wanted to or we'd move on. I think being matter of fact about whatever the thing was made it less scary for me. You are probably more upset about what you don't know than you would be about whatever the reality of her situation is.
Unless I am missing something, it seems odd that she thinks being a human person who has things happen to her would somehow disqualify her from working with you. It would be one thing if she felt compelled to tell you all her worries and ask you for help or emotional support, but I don't get the sense that is what is happening here. She is allowed to be a human, just not messy in the way that the client-human gets to be. Is she maybe very young or new? Does she have a supervisor or mentor to talk to about how to handle this?
You are likely a caring, sensitive person -- that is what gets a lot of us banged around in life and ending up in therapy in the first place. Earlier in your life, you might also have developed a hypersensitivity to what other people are feeling so you could better predict what would happen in an unstable environment. This might increase your distress in this situation because you know something is wrong but you're having your reality denied by the other person. So it makes sense that ignoring her illness and soldiering on feels so impossible. I think this could be a rich thing to dig into in therapy, and I also think your hesitation to bring it up makes total sense given that she's suggesting termination. It seems like there just isn't enough space for you and your reactions. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope the two of you can figure out how to navigate this.