Quote:
Originally Posted by NaoSky
There are stages of grief that people must go through when they lose a loved one.
We bargain.
We deny.
We become angry.
We become sad.
Some choose to finally accept it.
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Yep, I'm going through this too and have been since the word "bipolar" was first used to describe my problems. Hell, I'm still in some level of denial but that's slowly breaking down as I'm being referred to doctors for ECT and they wouldn't want to do that unless it was really bad. (I have no idea if it's bipolar type 1 with psychotic features or schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, the words for it don't particularly matter to me if it's "accurate enough" and those words are so... I'm going to post more here because I think it would be better for helping me accept said bipolar because it's present regardless of whether there's schizo in it or not.)
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When I was first diagnosed I denied it 100%. I knew there was a more justifiable reason for my behavior. After all that weed I chose to smoke had to have been laced with something. It pushed me into strong psychosis that I had not been in. So it was the weed, not BD.
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Your denial is much like mine, I thought many things like what you wrote (including the "Oh it was drug induced" one, and stuff like "oh well I'm a narcissist that's why I'm so grandiose and so on, it's not because of rapid cycling severe bipolar mania, no way." I'm trying not to feel stupid but it's hard. I was diagnosed with so many things other than bipolar as well, and that seeming "changing their minds" in regard to professionals who have seen me has enabled my denial unfortunately.
Then I hit depression. I fell into this hole that I never thought I would climb out of. I lost all of my motivation, energy, ambitions, and happiness. It was like joy went on a permanent vacation and I was left with nothing but sadness.
Then I became angry. Why me??!! Why did I have to get this. I mean 1 in 10 children get it from a parent. Why was I so
lucky? My life will never be the same. I’m going to lose my job, my retirement, my livelihood.
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God could you please take this away from me? I lost my husband’s trust and affection. I lost my happiness, I lost me. I will never be the same. The old me is gone. It’s dead.
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I'm so sorry, this is a lot to handle and I know so many of our collective circumstances make it that much more difficult.
The "I lost me" is so familiar, I lost myself too... I didn't see just how much so until a couple of years ago and even then I was operating under the assumption that I had schizophrenia without any mood component so I felt like everyone gave up on me because anti psychotics never did much for me. (And still don't, I haven't slept worth a damn in almost two weeks and that's on a hefty dosage of Zyprexa and all the other crap I take too. It just isn't working out for me and it's hard to not lose it yelling at the entire world.}
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Acceptance. I’m finally over my depression. I actually feel normal. My sleep has returned and I’m looking at my life through a new set of lenses. I will never be the same, but that’s ok. I accept this illness. I’m not so sure whether it should be considered a gift or a curse. It is what it is and I plan on making the best of my life moving forward.
I hope anyone that has BPD can one day move past all of the obstacles that seem impossible and discover that life can be so good despite the diagnosis.
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For me the problem is that I'm manic very often, "rapid cycling"... I don't get depressed often but holy **** when I do? It's a similar yet very distinct hell that's different from mania but at least for me equally interfering with my ability to function... and I just don't get depressed as frequently as what's typical for bipolar so that's made an accurate diagnosis difficult in my case too because it's atypical.
I hope you continue to do better, I know how much inner strength it takes to accept something this life-altering and I think you're very brave for facing it like this. Much love and support.
