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Originally Posted by Christy567
Hi everyone,
I am reaching out to see if someone can relate. My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years (known each other for for about 17). We have two young daughters - 7 and 5. Currently, we are on the brink of divorce. The divorce is something I am leaning towards - he is completely against that idea. The reason I want a divorce stems from my general unhappiness in the marriage. There has not been one major issue but many small things that cumulatively have resulted in the current situation. Primarily, I do not feel like he prioritizes me, he is not affectionate, he is controlling, he is not supportive of my mental health issues and we have very different values - he is very socially conservative and I am much more liberal. I also have my own faults which have contributed to where we are now. He's a good guy, but we are just not compatible, and although I care about him deeply, I am not in love with him anymore - there is zero emotional connection. I suffer from chronic depression which has put a strain on our relationship. He feels like my mental health issues have resulted in my having negative perceptions of our relationship which do not really exist. I feel like my mental health issues are exacerbated by our relationship problems and that I would be much less depressed if I was not in the relationship. At the moment I am in therapy twice a week for depression, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Has anyone been in a similar scenario? My other main concern has to do with our children. I know that the divorce will have a devastating impact on them. Since there is no infidelity or abuse in our marriage, do you think it would be worth sucking it up for the sake of the kids? I would live with the unhappiness and depression if it meant not permanently scarring them. P.S. We have been to marriage counseling a couple of times and it hasn't worked. Considering giving it a third try.
Thank you in advance for reading.
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Hello Christie, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. I profoundly relate to your situation but from a different perspective. That of your husband.
My wife left me a bit over a year ago, after 11 years of marriage. We have 3 children ages 10, 9 and 6. We've known each other since she was born. She is my parents' best friends daughter. My father and here parents were best friends since they were teenagers.
I did not want a divorce even though I felt as much as her that our marriage was not going good. I was unhappy just as much as she was. But I loved her. Unfortunately for me I still do.
No matter how peacefull and responsible your divorce is I can tell you that your divorce will be devastating and will produce lasting damage to your children. I suggest you read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" (I tried posting an amazon link but the system won't allow me as I'm new to the forum. Look for it in Amazon if you are interested).
What I got from that book is that divorce will be the worst thing for your children unless you are living through an abusive relationship or you and your husband are neglecting your children . My wife got a very different message from It so perhaps my view on things is biased. Nevertheless I think it would be a good thing to read it.
In my case I was the one dealing with depression. I too felt that she did not prioritize me. She stoped being affectionate a couple of years before we separated. We got to a place where things were a competition of wills and I usually relented out of exhaustion. I did not feel supported or validated by her at a moment where I really needed it. We too have different values and outlooks on life.
Eventually a time came where I did think about leaving her. That was at a moment where she was not thinking about that. But after reflecting long and hard about it I decided to stay, Why? because she was the woman I chose. I loved her, I still do. And I decided to stick it out and try to soldier on even if I felt alienated and misunderstood by her.
She is a good person, with many faults. She is selfish, stubborn and can drive me crazy in so many different ways. And still she was the love of my life.
I do not believe in divorce, not because I am religious, I am not, but I think marriage really finds its true meaning when you are able to summon, the strength, the maturity and integrity to stay and learn to love a person at its absolute worst. That is It is a very difficult thing. But it is actually not that difficult if we can start to see past ourselves. I know I put a very high bar to my wife in this respect.
I truly do not think there is a thing such as "we are not compatible". You can get back to a place where you feel the opposite if you allow yourself to see past your own frustrations and learn to love him as he is, even at his worst. It is possible and you'll be better for it.
I absolutely do not think you should stay in your marriage just for the sake of your children, but rather for your own sake as well as your husband's. Breaking up a family is a horrible thing. And even if it gives you some relief to your current state of mind, I'm quite sure you getting divorce will eventually take you to a place where you will understand that your marriage is not the cause of depression. By that time what you have lost will wight heavily on you. It has happened to me.
Having said all that the really important question is: do you love him? it may seem like you don't at this time (I was there) but think long and hard before you answer this. You may find that you do and your own sense of frustration is obscuring that fact.
If you really don't (assuming he actually loves you) you will damage him and your children by staying, just as much as you will by leaving.
I offer you my view with absolute sincerity with a hope my perspective can give you some peace of mind. I really hope you can find a place of happiness and fulfillment.
Sincerely Pablo