Quote:
Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur
For me, it's like I can't really remember the extremes of my episodes once they're over. I could be severely depressed for a long time, and then at some point it lifts, and within a few days I start to think "there's no way I really felt like that" and I start to doubt that I really need meds and treatment. Same with mania. Then when another episode hits it's suddenly real again. It's weird. That's one of the reasons why I go back and forth with acceptance, because it's just so unreal in a way.
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I don’t remember everything. I also already had a pretty bad memory before my first episode, but I’ve always used memory aids to help me like photography, video, and I love writing. I was trying to write a book during my mania but have no clue what exactly I was writing. So I went back and re-read it. It triggered back some of the memories of what I was thinking when I wrote it. I had way too many thoughts that I literally thought my brain was going to explode. Yet I still didn’t accept that anything was wrong with me. So I write. I want to know that I do accept it in my stable mood so I can remember this should I ever go manic again. I want to know when, what, and where my real thoughts are, my stable thoughts. Like right now I truly love my husband. When I was manic I hated him and when I was depressed I wasn’t 100% sure if I loved him or was in love with him. It wasn’t until I became stable that I knew for sure.