Yep, I'm going through this too and have been since the word "bipolar" was first used to describe my problems. Hell, I'm still in some level of denial but that's slowly breaking down as I'm being referred to doctors for ECT and they wouldn't want to do that unless it was really bad. (I have no idea if it's bipolar type 1 with psychotic features or schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, the words for it don't particularly matter to me if it's "accurate enough" and those words are so... I'm going to post more here because I think it would be better for helping me accept said bipolar because it's present regardless of whether there's schizo in it or not.)

I was diagnosed with either BP 1 or Borderline personality disorder. But they never told me about the second one. I found out months later from another dr that hair was in the system from when I was hospitalized. I did go through psychosis too.


Your denial is much like mine, I thought many things like what you wrote (including the "Oh it was drug induced" one, and stuff like "oh well I'm a narcissist that's why I'm so grandiose and so on, it's not because of rapid cycling severe bipolar mania, no way." I'm trying not to feel stupid but it's hard. I was diagnosed with so many things other than bipolar as well, and that seeming "changing their minds" in regard to professionals who have seen me has enabled my denial unfortunately.

That has to be tough that you are diagnosed with more than one thing, come on God or whoever made us, I will never understand why the selected ones go through this... it’s almost like we are some sort of experiment from someone out there.

I'm so sorry, this is a lot to handle and I know so many of our collective circumstances make it that much more difficult.

The "I lost me" is so familiar, I lost myself too... I didn't see just how much so until a couple of years ago and even then I was operating under the assumption that I had schizophrenia without any mood component so I felt like everyone gave up on me because anti psychotics never did much for me. (And still don't, I haven't slept worth a damn in almost two weeks and that's on a hefty dosage of Zyprexa and all the other crap I take too. It just isn't working out for me and it's hard to not lose it yelling at the entire world.}

Sleeping pills never worked for me. I used meditation for sleep until I finally started getting more and my mood started to improve around the same time. My brain had to adjust on its own. For me it was like this slow climb and build till I got to the peak of mania then a slow decline till it was at the pit of depression and then a slow climb to normalcy.... sleep was the worst at both peak and pit.... now it’s back to normal. I can’t imagine rapid cycling!! I’m so sorry. I don’t know what is worse if there’s a worse. I don’t know how often I will have episodes either since this was my first tone ever to go through this and I’m 42.



For me the problem is that I'm manic very often, "rapid cycling"... I don't get depressed often but holy **** when I do? It's a similar yet very distinct hell that's different from mania but at least for me equally interfering with my ability to function... and I just don't get depressed as frequently as what's typical for bipolar so that's made an accurate diagnosis difficult in my case too because it's atypical.

I hope you continue to do better, I know how much inner strength it takes to accept something this life-altering and I think you're very brave for facing it like this. Much love and support.