Hello,
Basically, the title of my post and a vent/rant, because it's been a tough night (month, year, years...) and I'm struggling.

Questions at the end.
And apologies if I'm using the trigger warning incorrectly.

My therapist and I believe I have depression and complex PTSD. I've had ongoing hardships and bouts of trauma these past 6 years.

We had what felt like a respite for about two months, where terrible things weren't happening. Where I wasn't repeating 'if I just get through x, y, z this week, maybe I'll have a day to process, time to think it over and have a good cry'

I've just gotten through two weeks of clockwork triggers and bad things happening. Just getting over the last, it's Sunday night, and after one phone call, it now appears week three will also be dreadful and full of bad things to come.

We've been moved from home to home with little time for stability or to put down roots, in the midst of a very unstable 2020, and multiple close family and friend deaths.

2 of my closest supports died unexpectedly.
My reason for getting through all the bad things - the job losses, attempting to buy a home for our small family, while our landlords keep trading theirs and kicking us out (3rd time's a charm right?), a pandemic, earthquakes, etc, etc - he died. He was my only stability, the one I could go to and not feel like the world was shattering, even if for five minutes.

Even little bits of bad news can feel like a mountain. And this week? Mid to large size.

I should be asleep, I should be crying. I've taught myself to live in the moment. I have developed severe memory loss, because I have no time to process what has occurred, too busy dealing with the next blow.

(It's a whole other post on how much the memory loss rips my heart apart. Two of my closest companions dead, and I can't remember them, to the point I can barely recognize them in photos)

I feel like I'm unable to regulate these emotions. That they're too strong when small things happen, and not strong enough/held-in yet needing release, when big things happen.

My physical health is deteriorating and frankly, I'm tired of not having support when I need it.

I'm on this forum at 1am because no one in my very small support group is awake. Because my therapist blew me off twice in the past two weeks and I don't have the mental capacity or time to leave them and build a relationship with someone else. And because even the only suicide hotline I've found online is unmanned at this hour on a Sunday morning.

I don't know why so many bad things keep happening. I don't know how to stop them. We work our butts off and other people are just cruel. That life and biology are cruel. I wish there were times when the good things outweighed the bad.

------------------------

I don't know how to "work on things" mentally if it's never safe. If it's never stable.

I feel like I need a clean slate in order to clean my slate.

How do you get to working on your triggers if they're so buried under other triggers? If they're so knotted up because you've had one thing trigger another, and that only causes something else bad to happen?