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thank you for your support and care. sorry you've wasted it on someone who doesn't deserve it though.

i've been putting off this post coz i'm not proud...i feel like i've let you all down and you've wasted your efforts supporting me when you could have supported someone worth it!

so i didn't make it thru last nite. there came a point i logged out and had drink.

i just hope nobody who posted support last nite takes it personally that i was too weak and pathetic for it to work.

and it's worse than i've admitted!

i spent last weekend with my baby sis and her family. it's only the 2nd time she's seen me in about 15 years. back then i drunk like a fish and had done from 10 years old. she suddenly sprung it on me we were going for a nite out. she knew i had no money so when i said i'd just have a blackcurrant...she insisted to her hubby i was just being polite and get me a "proper" drink.

now this may sound pathetic but i don't know the man...and as they're having marital problems...i didn't want him thinking i have anything against him. so i figured if i just sipped the drink and made it last all nite i'd be ok. not so. we were drinking all nite. she took the kids back to the hotel and he and i carried on drinking.

and since i've got home? i've been having 3-4 pints of strong drink every day. i keep swearing i wont, i don't need it...but i'm a pathetic loser so there always comes a point i give in.

now she did want me to go back up today for a few days...but i've made my excuses instead coz i'll be proper set off if he drinks like that every day and i join in! i'll be off on a bender and coming home with the shakes if i don't drink. i CAN'T go back there.

at the same time...those 3-4 pints a day? proving hard to resist weird as it may sound. it's just a teensy tiny pain-kill, brain-numb, whatever you want to call it.

anyway, there you have it...my father was right...i'm just a pathetic loser who can't do anything right. 41 years old and still fighting to not do drink, drugs, self-harm and still fighting to get food down my throat daily without an appetizer to make me hungry!

sorry you all wasted your time on a loser but...please DO NOT let it put you off helping others who come along. not everyone is pathetic like me.

Peace, love, hugs and apologies to you all.