I made a post in the middle of the night that I never really expected replies to.

I was on a crisis chat online for a while, but they didn't have much of a suggestion.

I've posted to social media and emailed friends.

I have therapy tomorrow with a therapist who has missed the last two appointments but I can't quit her service when I'm in the middle of this quicksand, taking months to build a rapport with someone else isn't something I should explore right now.

Last year was hell on earth; I haven't had time to process. I had two month reprieve and now, there's bad things happening again. I'm triggered, I'm hurting, and I can't control this fear and pain.

I'm sitting here typing this, crying, while on a zoom meeting. I'm absolutely shattered and feeling like my seesaw of sadness and numbness is pushing other people away that I can't get any sort of support.

I'm being ghosted by support persons and passed over for work advancements because I have too much instability and bad luck in my life. I'm a negative pessimist with too much liability.

I'm so tired of everything being out of my control. With negative life events that should be spread out over years, all happening within a few - during a pandemic.

I had a childhood of reaching out for help, begging, and not receiving it. It just feels like more of the same.

I suppose I just need some sort of 'it's not just you, this is hard, and for some reason we seem to have to do it alone.'