I am so, so sorry. I do understand how traumatic it feels. My ex t abandoned me 13 years ago. I still have no idea what I did wrong. I had nightmares for many years, and even now I still have bad dreams about it some times. it has affected my relationship with my new therapist, who is nothing like ex T. It has affected all areas of my life.
It will get better. I promise, it wont always be as bad. It did take me about 11 yeaes to really start getting over it, but it is better now.
It used to be a big heartache. Now it is more like a small tender ache in my heart.