So I’ve been thinking about this... and speaking about it with my mom who has bipolar. I’m also going to talk more with my cousin who has it.

With my mom, I told her yesterday that as bad as it is that we have this disorder and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I’m glad that I now have it too, like God gave it to me for a purpose. Growing up I never understood my mom. I thought she hated me. When she would have multiple boyfriends after she left my dad, I thought she was a slut. When she forgot to throw me a 16 year old birthday After she didn’t even give me a quince, which she had when she was 15... I thought she detested me.... when I turned 18 I moved out immediately.

When my first daughter turned 1, I took her away from her grandma because she was going through an episode and I didn’t want my daughter to be around that. I didn’t understand bipolar back then. I kept her away for over a year!!! When my mom went through depressions, I was there for her... but when she normalized it was in hypomania, I couldn’t stand being around her. My mom has always walked on egg shells during stable periods because she’s always afraid that people will say she’s manic. I realized, even now just thinking about it, that My mom has never learned to be happy during stable periods of her life because she’s afraid of being judged. She doesn’t want to lose us... so when she’s gone through manic times she has learned to fake like it’s just being happy... so we stopped realizing over the years when she’s manic. It’s only if she peaks too high. But we always know when she’s depressed....

Anyway, I told her yesterday that this had to be a blessing because maybe now she has someone on her side... someone that understands her. I told her I understand her 150%!!!!! And now we have a greater bond than I could ever imagine. I love my mom to the moon and back, finally!!!! It has actually brought some healing to me and my mom. We are now there for each other no matter what.

So ya this could have initially began as a curse, but to me I’m now blessed with insight. Not that I wanted it and definitely do not want to ever hit a depression again... but now I know that I can survive it. My mom has many times, she gives me strength and now I can help her have her true happiness!!!! I’m helping take away the stigma for her. I will never let anyone call her crazy, ever again!!!!!!!

With my cousin... he also helped me because he’s lived with it since he was 18 and he’s now 40. He learned to accept it 5 years ago and sees it as a gift. He told me that when I was depressed and I thought he was either crazy or super strong... I never thought I would accept it. Now I do and I understand where he is coming from. We are meeting up for lunch next week and I’m so excited to talk to him in my stable state about so much!!!!!