When he first died, I was grieving he was gone. I was also grieving, knowing that in a few months I wouldn't remember him.

It started slowly at first that I couldn't figure out why he wasn't there. I didn't know where he was.

Now, I can't remember his face. I can't pull up those feelings of joy or utter falling madly in love every time I saw him, took care of him, spent hours with him. I don't remember the routine I had with him 24/7. I don't remember who I was with him.



It's been four months.
I hate this, I hate me.
I wish I knew why my brain was like this.
I don't know what's wrong with me; my therapist, my doctor, other doctors, no one knows. No one much cares.

And I don't know if I've lost those memories forever. I knew they existed, but it's like someone telling you a fact that you accept because it's logical, rather than you /really/ understanding.

I can barely recognize his face or put him in context if I look at a picture.

Grief is hard enough as it is.