oh my.. i had an epiphany last night... i came home determined to make sense of everything that had happened this week and in session. i was so relieved things had gone ok..ok, better than ok THEY WENT FANTDOODLEYTASTIC.
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<font color="purple"> I care about you as YOU.</font>

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but... how did this HAPPEN?

Yes, T had made changes to the rules.. particularly calling and voicemails. To me, he was unclear about reassurance... and in light of how rejected i felt otherwise i couldn't make sense of it...

so, just why did i come up with the worst and most painful possibility imaginable?

i adore my T... he's incredible, even if he is more CBT than i would prefer. The fear of interference or loss of that relationship is more powerful than his calmness or kindness it would seem.

He has been telling me for a year now that these reactions are rooted in my past. Ok, no surprises there. He has told me that what i know intellectually is overridden by these feelings and thoughts created in that history.. ok.. not a surprise, but semi-new.. last week we had talked about how i knew i was going to get upset.... after session i mean.. so i knew it was coming and it came.

but last night i was able to see it differently somehow... able to step back and see it.. i could see how i had become a slave to a powerful set of feelings... i dunno.. i could just see it.

omg... i had no idea it was quite like that.

i am determined to do this.. to get better than this... i swear, he could ask me to chicken dance for 12hrs straight and i would try.

T is the best... he knows what he is doing, he wants to help me and of course, better than best: he cares about me