Hey, before I start please don’t judge me on this one, thanks
So I don’t have friends, and I feel more comfortable watching celebrities-feeling like my friends.
Basically I will be straight headed, this is disturbing for a really long time I just wanna die.

Basically there is this youtube content creator, and I had this thought- it happened out of blue. I don’t even know if it happened anymore, but I am pretty sure ye, cause I am obsessing about it. So I genuinely like this content creator, I would never hurt him. Because I really admire him and he inspires me.

So the thought was of me sniffing his underwear. Gosh, I don’t know what to think, am I okay, crazy,insane? Or other celebrity doing the same to me. I just feel so extremely bad and guilty. Whenever I watch his videos, I feel horrible, he probably doesn’t even know someone has these thoughts.

I am 14, he’s is 7 year older than me. I feel even worse. I just don’t know what to do Do other people have these thoughts? Would anyone have these thoughts? I feel like from female perspective, it’s even more disgusting.

I just can’t. I’m scared, what if I meet him IRL somehow and he doesn’t know that I had this thought. More I tried to force it away, more comes. My body started shaking, and trembling. I don’t have money for therapy. What do I do? Appreciate every opinion:3