This memory has become stuck in the front of my mind since week before last and is becoming a big distraction when I am trying to work though other more important things I need to be dealing with in the now.

The memories/flashbacks of arguing with mom about sitting in the middle; mom escorting me out to the truck; me and my sister waiting in the truck; mom trying to get the truck started; and the anxiety I felt about riding between my mom and sister are all becoming more frequent and even more vivid with all the sights, sounds, and smells I remember.

As I have been trying to think through this memory more, I think the reason I am struggling with this so much is because it was a situation where I felt a lot of anxiety about having to ride between my mom and sister and then had a bad outcome that only magnified this anxiety. I know the reason I felt so much anxiety about riding in the middle was because I believed that having to ride between my mom and my sister and having my younger shorter sister by the window a myself who was a lot taller in the middle was somehow an attack on my masculinity. I remember feeling a lot of anxiety about this during the brief time I spent in the truck waiting for my sister to come out. Me and my sister having to spend around 20 minutes waiting in the truck for mom and then being stuck in the middle while mom spent a long time trying to get it started only amplified these anxieties. I think the combination of the anxiety I felt about riding in the middle and then the unpleasant things I had to experience while sitting there are why this event that was truly minor and un-consequential gets stuck in my mind and is so had to shake sometimes, especially when I am dealing with other stress and anxiety in my life.

This memory is the only time in my life that I ever remember having to ride between my mom and sister and the last time I remember mom driving the truck as my parents got ride of it later that summer when I turned 16 and dad bought a new car and gave me his old car to drive. While at the time I was glad I never had to ride between my mom and sister again, I now wonder if not having to face that again has only amplified the anxieties I felt and given this memory more power. I have to wonder if this memory would have gone away if later on I had to ride between my mom and sister again in the truck and my sister and I had to spend just a few minutes waiting for mom and then the truck started right-up. I wonder if then I would have discovered the anxieties I felt about my masculinity being attached were just figments of my imagination and really not a big deal.

I wanted to share what I have been feeling and my thoughts on it in hopes that others may read them and offer advice or suggestions on how I can better deal with them.

In the event that there are other places on this site that may be better places for bring this memory-up and get advice and suggestions for dealing with it, please let me know and I can post about it there.