Since separating from my husband, I have found it interesting exactly what my friends and my family have had to say about my situation.

Let me sum up what's going on so that you all have a better idea of what everyone's opinions are based on: during our 6 1/2 year relationship, my husband has not treated me very well at times, being mean, unsupportive, insensitive and extremely selfish. Two years ago when we were separated (still living together then as well), he began an online/telephone "relationship" with a woman in another state, and I caught him after it had been going on for months. Our second son was four months old. Five days ago (two years later), I caught him setting up a "secret" email account, which he was going to use to contact another woman - to start another "cyber affair". This time, it was not trouble in our marriage that sent him running to his "fantasy world', we were getting along better than ever, and excited about the birth of our daughter in a month. I think that's why I decided to end it this time, he showed me that no matter what is going on in our lives, when he feels out of control, he will always selfishly do what he needs to feel good, even if it hurts me. It only just occurred to me that I was his long distance "fantasy" for seven months before we got married, he was living with his ex-girlfriend when we met on a business trip, and I moved two thousand miles away to marry him. No wonder I always would say to him that he was not the man I thought I married, he wasn't, that man was someone he made up. I guess you can be anyone you want to be over the phone, but the fantasy falls apart when you co-exist in real life.

My husband is a very damaged person, who I have begged over and over to get help with his depression and unresolved issues. He would always start counselling, go for a few weeks, and then stop. Do I think he is beyond hope? I honestly don't know if he has the strength to deal with the issues that have created his behavior, and to live honestly. But for my kids' sake, I have to support his effort to try and change.

That all being said, I have one friend who thinks I should pack my bags right this second (at the end of a very high risk pregnancy) and move out, even if it's to a women's shelter. I have another friend who thinks I should move back to Canada (where I'm from) so I can have more support, and my Mom, God bless her, just wants to slap my husband upside the head for being so stupid! Another girlfriend, who is the product of (recovered) alcoholic parents is frustrated with him, but understands where his damage comes from, and how hard it will be for him to fix it. And what do I think? That's not as black and white as someone on the outside looking in.

Once again, I believe my marriage is over. The trust has been broken beyond repair, and he and I both agree that it was never based on honesty in the first place. However, love is not something you turn off and on like a light switch, and as hurt as I am, and shocked, and angry at times, and sad etc. etc. etc., my heart is still heavy to see what he is going through. He has confronted his mother about the way she and his dad treat him (with no remorse, guilt or apologies on her part!), has realized how much hurt he has put me through over the years, and just as I have, he has lost his best friend (and he knows he is responsible). I don't believe he is a lost cause, but I will not stay with him in hope that he will change. I gave him that chance the last time he broke my trust, and he threw it away.

I know there are so many people that will disagree with this next statement, but here goes; I believe I am a mother first and a person second. I am at the end of a difficult pregnancy, and right now my #1 priority is keeping myself healthy and bringing my daughter into the world safely. My sons, who are 4 and 2, idolize their father, and my greatest hope is that he fixes his issues before they are old enough to realize how broken he is. I owe it to them to offer him whatever support I can (which right now only consists of listening when he needs to talk about the process he is going through), they deserve a positive role model.

For now, I have to continue to live with him. I have arranged telephone therapy sessions for myself, and this forum is a great outlet and source of comfort to me. I know I am strong enough to deal with the situation as is. After the baby is born, and I am recovered, I can decide at that time what the right living situation is.

I have to do what I feel is right for my children and myself, no matter what anyone else thinks. Is that wrong?