Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins
I appreciated my therapists openness. I think sometimes therapists seem to try to protect clients from basic realities and that does the client a disservice. It seems infantilizing to hide the truth from an adult to in some way protect them. I guess that's the parent in me speaking maybe. I have always found my own kids to be quite astute and "on" to whatever problems are happening; we always have found just be straight with our kids was respectful and honestly less anxiety-making for them. As adult clients, I just don't understand the "need" to protect adults from basic facts about issues that might require adjustments and change (or anyone for that matter - even small children can learn to handle change if given the appropriate information in a timely and age-appropriate manner).
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I agree with this as well. It led to big issues with my former marriage counselor (ex-MC), for whom I had strong transference. He often had to cancel or reschedule at the last minute. I had assumed something was up and got various clues from ex-T, plus something I overheard a receptionist saying, eventually learning that he had someone in his house requiring 24-hour care. Then ex-MC shared a story that had me put 2 and 2 together (more like 2 and 2 and 2 and 2, but...), and I realized it was his wife.
I brought it up in session, and he confirmed it was the case, was willing to answer some questions, but wasn't particularly honest or open about it--a big contrast to how he tended to be about himself and his life. There was a session where it came up again--I think it was when I finally expressed my irritation of him looking at texts in session and said I had been reluctant to say anything because of his wife (like in case the text was from her or her caregiver). And he said he wished I had still spoken up sooner.
In that session, he said he'd been trying to keep things with his wife out of the therapy--but realized that maybe it was causing more issues from his trying to keep them out. I think he was considering sharing what was going on, but opted not to.
And she passed away a few months later, which I only found out due to a combination of a cancellation, a comment from ex-T when I mentioned it, and then googling her name to find her obituary (she'd died about 10 days earlier). Ex-MC said he hadn't planned on telling us about her death either. I asked him what he'd say if I'd asked how she was doing, and he said he would have just replied "All is well" or something.
If he had been more open about it from the start, I think it would have been much easier for me. Not that I expected him to share every detail of his wife's condition and prognosis (he did after her death), but just knowing "My wife has a serious health condition, and sometimes I may need to cancel at the last minute because of her--it's nothing to do with you" would have made it much easier on me (especially as one cancellation was shortly after I'd shared stuff about the transference).
It also dredged up some childhood stuff for me because my mom tended (still does!) to be very secretive about health stuff regarding her and her family. So extra messy with the existing paternal transference mixed in.
I can understand many reasons why a T would want to not share all details of their personal life, but if it's affecting therapy in some way, like frequent cancellations, then I think they should share *something* at least.