Hi,
I am feeling very mixed about a trust and respect issue. My bf (30) and me (31) had a very bad start to our 3 year relationship.

I had 3 relationships prior, slept with 10 men and did not take propper care of STD. Looking back I chased guys and was not really connected to my partners. I ended my former 4-year relationship disrespectfully and dishonest, as I broke up via email and didn't wait for my ex to return from a travel, before getting intimate with someone new. This led into a phase when I was at times involved with more than one at a time, had a 3 some (looking back, mostly to please the guy) and I was the other women in an affair. I would say, I was very desperate to get close and searched for connection using sex. I am not proud of it. There are parts I feel very ashamed of.

Before I got together with my current boyfriend I did not tell about this. I was simply unaware, it could be a deal braker. I though he knew enough to guess. However, he found out bit by bit. Which was worse. And felt I was lying to him, found it difficult to regain trust. We were each hurting badly and took TP.

TP did help. But there are still times, when it is an issue. The problem is, that I was not ready to enter the relationship when I did. I had not worked through many problems. I have selfesteem issues.
I am over 30 and still learning relationship basics:

I realised that I had not told my bf that some of the former partners had tried to contact me. I blocked or deleted each attempt and never reached out. I felt horrible about it and told him. I appologized, said I could understand if he was mad and upset I did not tell him in years. I understand if he doesnt want to continue the relationship. I was simply affraid to hurt him, to see him back in a clinic, to have another big fight, in which he tells me I was a sludd and would not believe me, I did want a monogomous realtionship. I know how stupid it sounds.

At the same time I feel like: Could you stop framing yourself as the single victim? There were times, when it was so bad for him to cope with my past, he would bombard me with questions about the men. Or stare at the wall for hours. Or he would write down all my mistakes and every "offending" sentence I said (Like: "You have to take of yourself first, before you can help others", translated to my pure egoism). He blamed be for rather being with alcoholics in the psych. clinic than with him.
This is not about blaming my bf. I get that he was hurting and hurt people, hurt people. He changed. I know I gave him reasons to doubt my honesty. I know that my background disgusts him.
But at some point we both stayed in this. And I find it unfair, when he sais, he only took TP in order to be able to be with me. Yeah, that was (!) the reason. But after 100 h of TP he is still blaming me? Sorry, either one sais "I cant do this." Or he had TP-worthy issues, as did I, to stay although it was hurting.

He sais I lied, when did not tell of contact attemps from exes. He feels like I cheated on him. We both feel like back in the very beginning, he depressed, me stressed, blamed and guilty.

I feel twofold. I just want all the blaming to end! Nothing happened! I was yours all the time. And please look at the whole picture.

Then, I feel, I was not living the kind of realionship I want. I was conflict avoidant. I was dishonest and I respect if he feels, he cant trust me. I hurt him very bad.
But I feel he is reacting very harsh. Then I ask myself, whether I ought not to be in a relationship, when I am still acting this way. Whether I'm being harsh. I dont want to hurt him again. I know, I would never again enter a relationship without clearing things out and wouldn't persue if my past was an issue.

Can anyone relate? Thanks in advance!

In short: My boyfriend had reasons to not trust me. He has big issues with my sexual past. I felt very pressured and stressed and affraid to harm him. So I did not tell when 3 of my ex contacted. I blocked the contacts. But I only told him after 2 or 3 years. He feels cheated on and used.